Why the myth of the Tantra Soulmate must die
Your Tantra Soul Mate
“Have you ever felt really close to someone? So close that you can’t understand why you and the other person have two separate bodies, two separate skins?”
If you’ve ever done a Tantra workshop, you’ll know how intense they can be. Their purpose is usually helping people create intimacy and connection with each other.
You’re creating deep intimacy through touch, eye gazing, breath work and heart connection exercises. These can be seriously powerful. You’ll feel a deep connection to another human being that you likely wouldn’t have experienced before. You’ll leave the workshop/retreat feeling euphoric and like you’ve been touched to your soul.
Then when you get home, you want to try and recreate these feelings.
Now “normal” dating, relationships and sex just don’t cut it for you anymore. You want full on states of blissful connected-ness with all your future partners.
You’re looking for your Tantra Soul Mate.
As I come from an Evangelical Christian background, I’m familiar with this experience. It’s when you’re in a highly emotional worship session and you start crying after feeling touched by the Holy Spirit. You feel euphoric and deeply touched. You’ll come out on a high.
So what is a soul mate?
Ask many people and they will say it’s somebody you feel an intense connection with, a complete attunement. You are the perfect fit for each other. You can’t get enough of each other. You connect on all levels.
A soul mate is somebody who will love you more than anybody else ever has. They will heal your heart and you’ll live happily ever after.
Or will you?
What we *think* we’re looking for is to experience this deep connection with somebody that will allow us to transcend whatever sh*t is going on in our lives.
I don’t think that’s what we’re really looking for.
What we’re actually looking for is attunement.
By attunement, we’re looking for somebody attuned to our deepest needs to be loved, chosen and taken care of. We’re looking for someone to instinctively know our every need, want and desire.
Well I’m sorry, but I have some bad news for you. This is how co-dependent and abusive relationships start.
Ask anybody who’s been in these kinds of toxic relationships and they’ll tell you a similar pattern. They would feel psychically connected to their partner. They would know how to push each other’s buttons. When one partner is pulling away, the other would instantly know and resume behaviour.
What is real intimacy?
Is it being physically close to someone? Spooning? Cuddling? Eye gazing? Is it somebody seeing the real us, without masks? Is it revealing things you’ve never told anyone?
But is that real intimacy? Or are you looking for a surrogate mother/father figure?
Yep. Good old fashioned Freudian theory for you, but it’s true.
We’re going to project our parental crap onto future partners no matter how evolved we think we are. If we didn’t have our needs met fully as a child, it’s only natural we’re going to search for it as adults.
Intimacy can be washing the dishes together. It can be curled up on the sofa watching a film, under a blanket, eating crisps. It can be having your partner see you with bed hair with spots on your face. It can can be scooping up dog poop on a walk and bickering about where to throw it.
No, it doesn’t sound so sexy, but that’s life.
Tantra workshops are not real life
You need to remember that Tantra workshops are carefully constructed environments, they are not real life. They are a unique container with carefully held boundaries to put you in a highly charged emotional state. Your body will be flooded with the feel good hormones Oxytocin and Dopamine. (Oxytocin is also known as the “love” hormone because it’s what bonds mothers and babies) which act like drugs on your nervous system, fooling you into thinking you’re experiencing real love.
Tantra workshops can be beautiful places where real healing. You can take real value from them, and practice the exercises at home.
But what you experience inside a workshop is not going to be the same as real life, and you shouldn’t try.
Can you see now that trying to recreate this intensity from a Tantra workshop in your every day relationships is asking for too much?
It’s just like when I was a Christian, trying to recreate the feeling of the Holy Spirit that I would feel in worship sessions. I would frantically pray harder and read the Bible, desperate for my next hit of the Holy Spirit. Needless to say, it didn’t work long term. It was one reason that I crashed and burned out of the church.
Appreciate the mundane
Something a therapist told me is that life is mundane. (yes, I have therapy. I believe it’s an essential part of wellbeing)
Chasing this high of feeling connected and euphoric is not healthy. You’re expecting too much of anybody to be constantly attuned to you. The consequence is that you’ll end up either scaring people off who could be potential partners, or dismissing happy relationships in search of something better.
People can still be very compatible, but nobody is going to be the absolute perfect fit.
If you’re desperately looking for this, it’s a sign that you don’t feel like you fit anywhere by yourself.
The myth of the Tantra Soul Mate needs to die.
Stop looking for a Tantra Soul Mate. Start looking for connection to yourself.
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