female friendly porn, feminist porn, alternative porn, erotica, Lucy Rowett

Why you can’t ever compete with a porn star (and why you don’t need to anyway)

When I talk about porn with concerned women, one of the most common concerns I hear is:

“I can’t possibly compete with a porn star!”.

If you are a woman in a heterosexual relationship, chances are that you will have come across your partner either looking at porn, or confessing to looking at porn while self-pleasuring.

Think back to the first time you discovered it, how did you feel? What sensations did you feel in your body?

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Maybe you felt ashamed and embarrassed? Betrayed? Maybe you felt completely inadequate that you will never be as sexy, sensual, alluring or enthusiastic as a porn star.

Were you scared that your partner prefers watching them to being with you? Did you worry that when you are having sex, your partner is comparing you to his favourite porn star and that you will never match up?

However you felt about it, finding out that your partner enjoys porn can feel very painful for some women, and trigger whatever shame you are already feeling about your body and your sexuality.

When I work with and speak with women, nearly all of them report feeling embarrassed about their body, confused about their sexuality and worried that they’re not “sexy enough”. If you are experiencing this shame and embarrassment already, then chances are, you may feel threatened by your partner watching porn.

I found it interesting that when I first started talking about porn with women, the predominant response was one of disgust and outrage.

“Porn is poisonous!! “It’s disgusting!” “It’s dangerous to children!” “It prevents real intimacy!”.

Porn is a divisive topic, no doubt about it. This is why I created a guide to female-friendly and feminist porn, which you can look at here.

I also talked about it on the Brighton Talks Sex Podcast, which you can listen to here. 

Before we talk about porn and your relationship, I invite you to first think about what messages you’ve received about porn and sexual imagery.

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Do you remember when you first saw a naked image either in a book, magazine or on screen? Do you remember feeling a little jolt. “Ooh, that looks interesting”, but you couldn’t pinpoint why? Maybe you remember your mum being shocked at seeing a couple kissing on screen, or maybe you found your older brother’s secret porn stash?

If you look to the mainstream media, it’s not particularly friendly towards porn and sexual imagery. *side eye*

The predominant message is that porn is misogynistic, violent, exploitative to women, harmful to children and a gateway to sex addiction. The women who appear in porn (but not the men, or the queer and trans performers, by the way) are portrayed as victims of exploitation, who had abusive childhoods, who are all drug addicts or alcoholics.

Social media has a strict policy on adult content, even to the point that female nipples are censored. (Screw you, Facebook!)

You can’t watch anything remotely sensual or sexual on TV in the UK until after 9pm. You will find numerous books, articles and organizations who are all teaching that porn causes permanent changes to the brain, destroys relationships, and is the gateway to child exploitation.

And I totally get it.

When you have a venture onto the free tube sites, many of the titles of the videos can be… let’s say somewhat questionable! So it’s completely understandable that the whole world of porn is freaking you out right now.

Before I start to debunk some porn myths, I have some questions for you to think about:

  • Do you feel completely happy with your body, as it is, right now? (With your jelly belly, wonky boobs and knobbly knees just as they are.)
  • Do you feel completely happy with your genitals, as they are, right now? (ie Can you say VAGINA or VULVA without going red in the face?)
  • Do you feel completely comfortable and confident with how you show up in bed?
  • Do you feel able to give and receive pleasure with no guilt or shame?

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If you answered one or more of those questions with a “No”, or just a feeling of being uncomfortable, then you’re in the right place.

It’s no surprise that when you know that your partner is looking at these hot, sexy and goddamn insatiable women in porn who are hungrily engaging in all sorts of sex and screaming in pleasure… you feel threatened.

I’m not in your relationship and have likely never met your partner, so I can’t make generalizations about your unique situation. Many people do struggle with porn dependency (note, I do not say “porn addiction”), where it’s interfering with their daily life and they are confusing porn sex with real-life sex.

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with or hooked up with a guy who wanted you to “act like a pornstar” and you felt uncomfortable, I am truly sorry. THIS is why we need to open up the conversation about porn and develop what’s called, “porn literacy”.

This means that we learn that what happens in porn is definitely fiction, not fact. In the same way that romantic comedy movies or romantic fiction aren’t a helpful or realistic depiction of messy human relationships (If you’ve watched The Notebook or Titanic, you’ll know).

Or that watching Eastenders isn’t where you learn how to have a happy marriage. Or that watching Botched won’t teach you how to become a plastic surgeon. Or that watching Love Island will teach you how to communicate effectively… catch my drift?

 

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So, let’s get onto debunking some unhelpful myths about porn:

1. You do not own your partner’s sexuality.

And they don’t own yours! Your partner’s self-pleasuring is no reflection on the relationship you have together, it’s just a different sexual expression. In many ways, it’s a chance for him to focus just on himself and his needs, where he’s guaranteed an orgasm at the end.  I encourage everyone, whether you’re single or in a relationship, to cultivate your own self-pleasure and eroticism.

Yes, that means YOU too, Linda.

(HINT HINT: Read my guide to Female-friendly and feminist porn and find your own titillation!)

Your sexuality is something you can share with your partner, but it doesn’t belong to your partner.

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2. It’s not about the sexy arse or boobs.

When your partner is looking at porn, it isn’t necessarily just the way their bodies look that turns them on, it’s their enthusiasm and un-ashamed-ness. There is something honestly, very beautiful in a woman really owning her sexuality and receiving pleasure. Yes, they may be acting and it could be fake. But can you suspend your judgment for just a moment and imagine what it would be like if you could receive pleasure with just as much noise, enthusiasm, and HNNNGGHHH YEAH!!!!? Yeah baby.

 

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3. Looking at porn doesn’t feel like real sex.

Looking at porn is not the same as, or a replacement, for sex with another human being in real life. It’s a completely different experience and needs to be treated as such. If you ask your partner that, he will tell you exactly the same.

It’s neither better or worse, it’s down to personal preference and how much it affects the way he relates with you.

 

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4. Porn stars don’t look like porn stars on their day off.

Believe me, it’s down to a combination of an extensive diet and fitness regime, professional hair styling and makeup, surgery and good camera angles. In the same way that film actors must follow a strict regime before they star in a big movie, or Victoria’s Secret Angels have to go on a water fast before a show, it takes a hell of a lot of work to look like that.

Do you really a porn star looks the same when she has no makeup on, is sitting in leggings on her sofa while she’s bloated and on her period? I don’t think so.

Again, it’s down to porn literacy; just like you need to tell your teenage daughter that Instagram is not reality, porn is not reality, it’s fantasy!

And, fantasies can change too.

 

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You do not ever have to compete with a porn star, because there is no competition. So, rather worrying if you look sexy enough during sex, how about shifting that focus to “What feels good right now?”, “What do I want right now?”, “What would really work for me right now?”.

Stop spectatoring (watching yourself) and start FEELING and becoming EMBODIED.

Your partner is with you for you (and if they’re not, then you need to reconsider your relationship). They want to be intimate with YOU. You are the one they come home to, want to be close to and want to take to heaven and back.

So, take comfort, darling. You are enough just as you are.

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If you feel that you need some more help in discovering who you really are as a sensual, sexual, and erotic being, then I invite you to book a free Transformation Call with me.

And, please, please, do take a look at my free online guide to female-friendly, feminist and alternative erotic viewing materials. View it here.

Check out my interview about why we’re in a porn panic on the Brighton Talks Sex Podcast here. 

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