I didn’t use to be this sex-positive, pleasure positive, and juicy.
Growing up in the church and also as a regular millennial who had the same access to good sex education as most people, I pretty clueless.
Sex was something very naughty that only bad people did, porn was evil, don’t get pregnant or an STI, use a condom if you must, and masturbation was definitely dirty (and highly addictive, I was told by my pastor).
Sure, I had raging hormones and got very turned on by love scenes on TV and in movies, but that was probably because I was a secret pervert so I had to squash that down.
When I first started exploring my sexuality on my own, I couldn’t shake this feeling that there was something wrong and dirty about it. I could feel my body closing off and this conflict where it felt good, but should it feel good because isn’t it bad?
That was until I got educated.
It wasn’t enough to just rebel and stick a proverbial middle finger up to my Faith conditioning, the messages of Purity Culture, and of the media around sex and sexuality by behaving differently.
Nothing changed on the inside.
What started the shift was learning exactly WHY sexual pleasure and a positive relationship with my sexuality was actually a GOOD thing, with stats and evidence to back it up.
I started to deeply question the messages I received growing up, questioning media narratives, questioning the secrecy and euphemisms, questioning everything.
Why does this matter for you and your relationship or marriage?
Because you almost certainly did not grow up in a sex positive environment, and will have internalized harmful and completely false messages about sex and pleasure.
It means that you may struggle to let go, to feel good in your body, to have “those” conversations, to connect with your partner, and just feel sexually confident.
It may have been days, weeks, months, or years, and the gulf is getting wider.
If you come from a Faith or conservative background, you will have had years of subtle and not-so-subtle shamey, negative, horrible messages that still live in your body.
Learning context is the first step to reframing this because science and history are awesome!
I love it, because if you are somebody who is a deep thinker, an overthinker, or a geek (like me), learning the evidence and then learning to discern is key.
Imagine if you had been taught this as standard in high school? Where you learned that of course, sexual pleasure is very good for you, and here’s how to engage in sexual behaviour where you feel empowered, where you are respectful of boundaries, and where you stay healthy.
What if it was as bog-standard to you as knowing that eating your 5 a day, drinking water, cutting down on sugar, exercising, and managing stress are good for your wellbeing, too?
It is absolutely possible because I am living proof of it.
My sexuality is as important to me as every other area of my life, and I celebrate it as something life-giving and sacred.
To feed your mind and give your cognitive brain reassurance that sex and sexual pleasure are, in fact, really, really, really good for you, here are some facts for you.
1. It has real physical health benefits
Increased longevity, improved immunity, improved sleep, youthfulness, fitness, decreased risk of breast cancer, prostate, cancer, heart disease, stroke, and type II diabetes, reduced incidence of endometriosis, increased fertility, relief of menstrual cramps and migraines, and muscle relaxation
(Anderson 2013; Planned Parenthood 2007)
2. It has real mental health and emotional benefits
Decreased stress and anxiety
(Diamond & Huebner 2012)
3. It has real emotional and relationship benefits
Improved self-esteem, improved intimacy with a partner, improves social health
(Anderson 2013)
More sexy reading:
The Principles of Pleasure: Working with The Good Stuff as Sex Therapists and Educators
The World Association of Sexual Health Declaration on Sexual Pleasure
Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski
Now you know some context, you need to internalize it.
What would it take to know this on a deep and cellular level?
Where you have a glow that your pleasure and sexuality are GOOD?
Brainstorm some ideas, journal on it, meditate on it, dance on it.
I already know some of it, learning the art of self pleasuring.
Not just regular wanking though, but learning how to connect with your body, your vulva, and your sexual response cycle so that it feels deeply personal to you.
Why don’t you gift yourself the art of pleasure as a late Christmas gift?
Buy it here for £47, and it will be delivered straight to your inbox.
To your pleasure and joy of sexuality,
Lucy xxx
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her