What Are The Best Sex and Relationships Books?
If there is one thing I get asked a lot AND one of the most common things I recommend, it’s all about books.
“What books do you recommend to learn more about libido?”
“What books would you recommend for orgasms and female sexual pleasure?”
“What books do you recommend to start with tantra or sacred sexuality?”
“What books would you recommend for relationships help?”
“What books would you recommend for somebody recovering from purity culture?”
Now I am putting them into one concise list for you to keep handy. Put them on your Amazon wishlist. Order them from your local bookshop. Order them from Bookshop.org.
(Yes we all know Amazon is a big bad awful capitalistic monster that as a feminist you should never, ever touch. But was that another box with the signature tick I spied on your doorstep? Don’t worry, I won’t tell.)
This blog post contains affiliate links to Amazon, because if you’re going to be ordering from them anyway, I would quite like to receive a bit of money in return.
However if you just can’t stomach it, I’ve added links to Bookshop.org, however a few titles aren’t available there, so you could look on other websites.
My Top 8 Ultimate Reads I Think Everyone Should Read.
Without a doubt, these are the most common books I recommend to clients, people online, and generally anybody I meet.
Think of all these recommendations as absolute essential reading for better sex and relationships. I will be updating this list periodically when I find new ones I love.
If in doubt, start with this list and work downwards.
1. Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski
There’s a reason I call this, “The Bible For Women and those who love them”. Think of this book as the sex ed you never got in school but damn well should have. Nagoski breaks down the best in scientific studies, sex and relationship experts into a seriously easy to understand way. From how your desire works, to knowing what your specific contexts for sex are, debunking the myth of what is, “normal”, and a general rant at misogyny in science and medicine.
My hope is you will read it and first take a big sigh of relief, then get pissed off that nobody told you this decades ago.
2. Becoming Cliterate, by Dr. Laurie Mintz
This will probably be another book that will get you feeling mighty pissed off that nobody told you earlier. Think of it as a deep dive into the science of female sexuality, along with social commentary about how much gender roles, misogyny, and lack of pleasure focused sex ed is the real issue behind the orgasm gap. TL:DR: The clitoris is the primary way that women and people with vulvas orgasm, so why aren’t we advocating for ourselves more?
3. Sex When You Don't Feel Like It, by Cyndi Darnell
Have you lost your libido? Want to know why the spark has gone from your relationship and how to get it back? This book explains more of the science and theory from sex and relationship experts around what desire is and how to re-kindle it. Think of it as debunking everything you ever thought about how desire works in the first place.
TL:DR: To paraphrase Cyndi Darnell: Waiting for your libido is a very unreliable marker of having great sex. Instead start to work on how to feel more DESIRE, which is something you can actively work on. Desire is much more than just libido.
4. Urban Tantra, by Barbara Carrellas
Whenever people ask me for what books I recommend to learn more about tantra and sacred sexuality, this is always the first one. Barbara Carrellas makes tantra and sacred sexuality very easy to understand and most of all, actually doable in your daily life without having to run off to Bali and change your name to something Sanskrit. It is fiercely sex positive and I like to think you get all the yum of tantric exercises without the dogma. Even better, it is a deliberately gender inclusive body of work. Carrellas created Urban Tantra during the 1980s’ AIDS crisis as a way for gay men to be sexual with each other without putting each other at physical risk. It’s full of exercises for you to try out for yourself.
5. Call of The Wild, by Kimberly Ann Johnson
In my opinion, this is THE book to learn everything about the female nervous system, trauma, threat responses, and how it affects us in a super digestable way.
6. Mind The Gap, by Dr. Karen Gurney
Taking the best in sexological science and evidence based practised, this is another great book for debunking myths about how desire works and then how to actually problem solve to have great sex.
7. Sex For One, by Dr. Betty Dodson
I call this book, “The Second Bible for women and those who love them”, because it is a manifesto on why self-pleasuring/masturbation is such a powerful tool of personal liberation for women and vulva havers. Think of it as a love letter to masturbation.
8. Sensual Self: Prompts and Practices for Getting in Touch with Your Body and Sensuality (A Guided Journal) by Ev'yan Whitney
A workbook full of journalling prompts for you to explore your SENSUALITY and your body. I love how they explain that sensuality is a difficult topic for many women and femmes because it has been overcoupled with sex, which means it feels scary. In this book you are guided to explore your senses and what it is to live in your body.
Sacred Sexuality
1. Ecstasy is Necessary, by Barbara Carrellas
While I highly recommend her book, “Urban Tantra” too, this is another one I adore. It’s about connecting to the ecstatic with practical exercises, taking neo-tantric exercises into the modern day.
Amazon: Get it here.
(Not available on Bookshop, sorry.)
2. Shake Your Soul Song, by Devi Ward
One of my absolute favourites that I always recommend. It was one of the first books I ever read when I was exploring my own sexuality. She initially started it as a manifesto on self-pleasuring, and it turned into a manifesto on why pleasure is medicine and pleasure is a lifestyle.
(Not on Bookshop, sorry.)
3. The Multi Orgasmic Woman, by Mantak Chia
I get many exercises I give to clients from this book. It is full of taoist exercises to work with your sexual energy, pleasure anatomy, and your body to simply unlock more of your potential for pleasure. I don’t necessarily agree with some of the theory in there around being a woman and what women are supposed to want in sex, but the exercises are damn good.
(Not on Bookshop.)
4. Woman On Fire, by A'magine Nation [Formerly known as Amy Jo Goddard ]
This book is about waking up your erotic power and I like to think of it as a 101 in sexual healing. I often refer back to this book when I am looking for inspiration or exercises because I think it has a wonderful balance of evidence based sex ed and more esoteric/holistic practises.
5. Aphrodite's Daughters, by Jalaja Bonheim
This was one of the first books I ever read when I was exploring my sexuality and spiritual connection. It’s a collection of stories from real women aout their experiences of sex, intimacy, and the transcendent.
(Not on Bookshop.)
6. The Return of Desire, by Dr. Gina Ogden
Another absolute sex therapy classic, by one of the OG pioneers in sex therapy, the late Dr. Gina Ogden. Similar to Aphrodite’s Daughters, this is a collection of real women’s stories of their experience of sex and spirit connection. The kicker was she made this a national survey back in the ’90s in the USA, and turned the findings into her method of working: The 4D Wheel of Sexuality.
Relationships
1. Mating in Captivity, by Esther Perel
Yes, it’s the classic, the OG, the one everyone recommends because it is so damn good. It’s about why desire wanes in long term relationships and then what you can do about it, while also challenging western ideals about what a romantic relationship should be.
2. Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Sue Johnston
If your relationship or marriage is rocky or you keep getting into unhealthy patterns with each other, this is the first book I recommend. It explains how couples (or throuples or more) get into dynamics or what she calls, “dances”, how to spot them, and how to start to break the cycle so you stop spiralling. This is the handbook to the couples’ therapy modality, Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT. (No, not the same as the tapping therapy.)
3. Getting The Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
Another relationship book classic that I also always recommend. One of my favourite theories from this book– and then the couples’ therapy modality from it called IMAGO therapy– is that we always choose the perfect partner because this person will bring up old wounding. Your partner is a mirror to you and things you have tried to bury, and so there is an opportunity to start the healing process.
De-Shaming
1. Shameless: A Sexual Reformation by Nadia Bolz-Weber
When people ask me about books to start deconstructing purity culture beliefs, this is usually the first book I recommend. Nadia Bolz-Weber is a Lutheren minister and this book is a big exhale for you to finally let go of purity culture messaging around sex– because UNsurprisingly, this messaging comes from patriarchal conditioning and 1950s USA. One of my favourite parts is the chapter where she explains where the Evangelical Church’s Pro-Life messages come from and how they decided to make this their new moral panic in the 1960s after they weren’t allowed to promote racial segregation anymore. I also love the part where she says that while the term, “Safe, Sane, and Consensual”, is used in sex-positive spaces a lot, she would also like to see, “Care and Concern”, added too.
2. The Erotic Mind, by Jack Morin
There are so many things I could say that I love about this book, because it’s another OG classic in understanding our sexual subconscious. AKA the erotic and dark parts of us we don’t always want to admit, why we get turned on by the things we get turned on by, and how to get to know your unique erotic template.
(Not on Bookshop.)
3. Perv, by Jesse Bering
An exploration into sexual taboos and our darker sexual sides. What makes something or a desire, “perverted”? How much does the society you live in affect how we view something as taboo or, “perverted”? I adore this book because it busts a lot of myths about human sexuality and gives a lot of context to how we think about our desires.
4. Boyslut, by Zachary Zane
Part memoir, part self-help book by Zachary Zane, on his story of first coming to terms with being bisexual, then embracing his high sexual desire and being a, “slut”. This book is fairly explicit but I read it as a big permission slip and warm hug to embrace your sluttiness.
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her