Could You Be Demisexual?

Have you heard of demisexuality? Do you think you could be demisexual? Think about the following questions:

• Do you need an emotional connection in order to feel sexually attracted to somebody?
• Are hookups and casual sex just not enjoyable for you because you can’t build an emotional connection?
• Do you ever feel confused when people can feel sexually attracted to a celebrity or person on the street?

Then you may be demisexual.

What is demisexuality?

It’s a legit sexual orientation, in the same way that being lesbian, gay, bi, pan, or just queer is. 

Rather than the gender or gender presentation of who you are attracted to, or your gender identity, this is about the kind of sexual desire that you have.

Because sex, sexuality, and gender are a glorious spectrum, baby!

It is part of the Asexuality spectrum, and no two people are the same.

You can be demisexual AND lesbian, gay, bi, pan, or queer. 

Demi’s need an emotional connection before being able to have sex with someone, so it’s the antithesis of just screwing without feelings.

That said, it’s complex and multilayered.

Maybe you are somebody who is highly SENSUAL rather than sexual?

Or you get off on the ENERGY of eroticism rather than genital stimulation?

If you think you may be demisexual, here are some things to try:

1. Check out this resource, the Purple Red Scale. It isn’t fully comprehensive, but think of it as a map to plot where you are right now– knowing that sexuality is fluid and can change. 

2. Explore what your unique accelerators, brakes, and contexts are. Check out the books, Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski, or Mind The Gap, by Karen Gurney. 

3. If you were to replace the words, “sex” or, “sexual” with words like, “sensual”, “erotic”, “energetic”, or, “life force”, what kind of intimacy would feel good to you? 

Let’s take sex, pleasure, and eroticism out of the tiny box we’ve put it in and celebrate every flavour.

Read more in this piece in Glamour Magazine, where I was quoted by my friend and colleague, Gigi Engle.