Have you seen the music video WAP by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion yet? I only came across it by accident and had to Google what the outcry was about.
[WAP= Wet Assed Pussy]
In short: Rappers Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion release an explicit music video rapping about the delights of their pleasure and sexuality. There’s twerking, pole dancing, stripping, licking, metaphors about water and gushing, arses and boobs galore.
Just a standard music video, right? These kinds are a dime a dozen, but this one is notable right now. First, it is an all female video where they are rapping openly about how much they love sex and relishing in their sexuality. Second, the political climate is particularly tense in the run up to an election in the USA, where the internet is awash with anti-trafficking messages.
Understandably, the conservatives on Twitter are working themselves into a righteous fury, and mums are feeling protective of their children.
Here’s why this is BS
I could talk about the hypocrisy where it’s fine for rappers and singers to talk about what they do with women, but when a woman does the same, it’s scandalous.
I could talk about sex work stigma- as Cardi B is open about her past as a stripper and in the sex industry. There’s a reason why sex workers are called names associated with sin, vice, and evil.
Honestly, you just have read the comments section of the video or check Twitter where the virtue signalling and slut shaming is sickening.
(It’s been described as wanking with one hand and pointing the finger with the other)
I could talk about unconscious racism, as the kind of dancing in this video comes from Dancehall- where overt sexualised dancing is the norm, and the erotic is celebrated.
In this post, though, I’m going to explain why getting triggered by the overtly explicit lyrics and dancing and the fear of pornification actually affects your own sex life.
You can’t enjoy your sexuality
The women I tend to work with feel shutdown in their bodies. They’re terrified of being objectified, a frustration at men, perhaps a past with non consensual experiences.
This then impacts their sex life and relationships, obviously. They freeze in bed, shut out their partner, feel uncomfortable in their bodies, and are made to feel that there is something deeply wrong with them.
They are terrified- either consciously or unconsciously- of being overtly sexual or erotic, less they are judged or seen as less than.
Seeing a video like WAP, or any other similar video is bound to be triggering.
“How can Cardi B possibly be empowered and enjoy it? “
“How could this be anything other than a performance?“
Let’s explore that.
[An FYI- I don’t think this music video is appropriate for children, in the same way that many other music videos, TV shows, and movies aren’t appropriate for children either. We need to teach children and adolescents how to become media literate and question what they see.
If you’re teaching your kids that what happens in Eastenders, the Fast and The Furious, or The Lion King, or any other Rom-Com, or what they see on Instagram or TikTok isn’t real life, the same for this music video too.]
Does that mean this video is terrible for adults though? Let’s continue.
The Madonna/Whore paradox
First, let’s explore the Madonna/Whore paradox.Where a woman is either…
1. A filthy slutty slut who deserves everything she gets, is not worthy of respect or love, and is debasing herself.
Or
2. A virtuous woman who is modest, professional, a good mother, a good person, marriage material etc.
No in between.
And you want to be the good woman who is wife material, don’t you?
Because sluts get punished and are ostracised (seriously, just look at Twitter). It’s dangerous to be a slut, so keep your legs shut and be a good girl. Women still carry the ancestral trauma of being literally either burned at the stake, stoned, whipped, cast out, or any other number of brutal punishments for her sexual behaviour (which still exists in many parts of the world today.)
It is judging a woman’s value, her worth, and her very humanity on how she expresses her sexuality.
Isn’t this toxic?
Erotic Capital
Now let’s add to that the fact that women are taught from an early age that their primary value is their appearance and their attractiveness.
Many women learn that their beauty and sexuality can be a tool to navigate the world, and can you blame them? It has actually been studied (check out the work of Catherine Hakim and the concept of Erotic Capital) that people who are more physically attractive get treated better in life.
It sucks, but it’s true.
So if you are a woman who has fought hard to be respected, taken seriously, seen as a professional, and treated equally, it makes complete sense that you will reject this expectation to be sexy.
It’s how you survived. You don’t want to be objectified as a sex object, you want to be seen as a human being.
Female sexuality IS triggering AF
Let’s talk about SEX now!
We live in a world that demonizes vulvas and female pleasure.
Most depictions of sex that you are familiar with are for male gratification, and where the narrative is that women are there to please men. Many porn videos you will find on the free tube sites follow a very predictable formula, and many people today are still bloody clueless about how important the clitoris is for female sexual pleasure.
This is reflected in laws that are made, how women are treated in the media, dudes sliding into your DMs, advertising, it’s everywhere.
Again, it makes sense that seeing two women talking boldly about how much they love sex, their wet pussy, and all the other fun stuff, is going to feel really uncomfortable.
(And get the conservatives gnashing their teeth in anger)
You can’t win
Let’s do a reframe: What would be an appropriate expression of female sexuality to you?
In what way would it be socially acceptable to celebrate eroticism, wetness, and pleasure?
Go on, take your time.
There isn’t, nobody could agree on it. What is art to one person is profane to another. You probably have your own opinions and views on what is “healthy” and “unhealthy”, “good” or “bad”, “erotic” vs “porn”, and I bloody guarantee that somebody else will disagree.
The uncomfortable and unpalateable truth is this:
Sex has ALWAYS been triggering and taboo in the western world and in patriarchal societies and cultures.
Women who have refused to be modest, to conform, to cover up, to be “nice”, to be a good wife and mother, or anything other than docile and submissive, have ALWAYS been demonized. Even in 2020.
This attitude is as old as the Bible.
Pleasure is taboo
Many women are uncomfortable talking about their pleasure and wetness.
I know far too many women who cannot say the word, “Vagina” or, “Clitoris”, without feeling deeply embarrassed.
When so much of sexual medicine and research goes into improving erections, very little funding goes towards exploring pleasure.
Sexual pleasure is something that is deeply uncomfortable for many people.
Luckily, this is slowly changing. The World Association of Sexual Health published a Declaration on Sexual Pleasure at their October 2019 Congress in Mexico City. For your geekiness, you can check it out here.
When you shut out your vital, erotic self, you are shutting off part of yourself.
You want to celebrate your sexuality and eroticism, right?
Healing then comes from reclaiming it, on your own terms. We can learn from sex workers how to celebrate your eroticism and your body.
They have long been the secret keepers, the hidden underbelly of society.
Sex workers teach that you CAN have both- celebration, enjoyment, lustiness, wetness, orgasms galore, twerking, AND be a “good woman” (whatever the hell that is anyway).
In Taoism, a WAP was the fountain of youth, where men would worship. Embrace your pleasure.
I have worked with so many women who have discovered the joy of their pleasure and claiming their PUSSY!
It’s time to celebrate yours.
You can learn to embrace your sexuality and your pleasure, release the shackles of shame, and claim the life and relationship you really want on The Shameless Woman Immersion.
Details coming soon. Email me at lucy@lucyrowett.com to be the first to join round 2.
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her