Ethics and Boundaries in the Sexual Healing Space: A conversation with Lucy Rowett and Wilrieke Sophia
Conscious sexuality, tantra, and sacred sexuality can be a space for amazing healing, and yet also a space to get re-traumatized. The past few years have seen this world rocked by allegations and stories of abuse, boundary crossings, and unethical behaviour by teachers, gurus, and practitioners, and discrimination against LGBTQIA+ and gender-diverse folk.
As coaches and practitioners, we still believe in our work but we also want there to be changes so that clients and consumers aren’t harmed.
Wilrieke Sophia (pronouns: she/they) and Lucy (pronouns: she/her) discuss what we can do as professionals and what we think needs to change. Think of this as an exploration and inquiry rather than saying we have all the answers, because we really don’t and the territory is often in shades of grey.
We shared some of our own stories in the sacred sexuality space- how we have had such amazing healing experiences and also the harm we have witnessed and heard.
Here’s what we covered
- Why we need ethics in the first place- as sexual healing arts are such a new field and we have needed to push the boundaries
- Why not everyone causing harm is doing it with intention– often repeating what they were taught
- Why pushing for a “breakthrough” during a workshop or retreat is not trauma-informed
- Why you are in a different brain state meaning you are more vulnerable and suggestible during a workshop or session and so it is harder to refuse to participate
- When facilitators tell you that any refusal is a sign of “resistance” or not trying hard enough
- Why we do need to push our comfort zone to grow- but there is a line between the “learning zone” and the “trauma zone”.
- Why experiencing euphoria during or after a workshop or session doesn’t actually mean anything has healed or you have learned anything
- The role of power dynamics in a workshop and retreat space and why it is never ok for the teacher or leader to engage erotically during that time (Stop having sex or erotic contact with your clients and students!!- unless you are a sex worker and that is what has been explicitly agreed on and stated.)
- Why as a teacher, coach, or facilitator you are in a position of power- whether you believe it or not- which will affect how people relate to you
- Why somebody being “spiritually advanced” does not actually mean they are mentally or emotionally integrated
- Red flags to watch out for- such as keeping the contents a mystery or even labelling it a “mystery school”– and not mentioning what kind of practices you will be doing
- When a teacher claims spiritual authority and makes absurd claims about their powers and abilities about working with them (“The world operates on a 60hz frequency but I operate on a 90hz frequency, so just being in my presence elevates you.”– quoted by Wilrieke)
- When there is gender essentialism such as, “All women want this/all men want this”, and, “You need to be more in your feminine/masculine to heal.”
- What Green Flags to look for– and what we as practitioners can do better
We are all still learning and growing in this field– remember that the sexual healing space is still so young.
It’s inevitable we have fucked up somewhere along the way, all we can do is do better and get accountability.
We want to keep all that is good about it and keep improving so that people actually are helped rather than… traumatized…
You can now watch this video on my YouTube channel, link below or watch it on my Facebook profile or in The Shameless Woman FREE group.
Got any more suggestions? I honestly welcome your feedback- either drop me or Wilrieke a message, drop a comment, or email me at lucy@lucyrowett.com.
More about Wilrieke
Wilrieke Sophia (they/them, she/her) is a sex & intimacy educator, conscious kink facilitator, intimacy activist, TEDx speaker, writer, and founder of Exploring Deeper and Cuddle Workshops International.
They identify as non-binary, pansexual, queer, sex-positive, polyamorous and kinky. Wilrieke is based near Amsterdam, The Netherlands where they openly combine being a mother of three daughters with their work.
The main focus of their work is empowerment through self-knowledge and understanding, radical self-inclusion, the embodied experiencing of boundaries and desires, and an extensive practice of consent – all based on a foundation of trauma awareness and neuroscience, embedded in experiential spaces based on intimacy practices. Wilrieke hosts sex-positive retreats, play parties, teacher trainings, and festivals. In several projects with colleagues, Wilrieke creates workshops and materials on accountability, abuse and power dynamics in the intimacy and wellness communities.
IG: @wilriekesophia
FB: Exploring Deeper with Wilrieke Sophia
YT: www.youtube.com/exploringdeeper (Debunking Lovesongs)
Check out Wilrieke’s TEDx Talk on Navigating Intimacy
Link to the brochure: www.exploringdeeper.com/consent-power
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Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her