How To Reclaim Your Boundaries: Why I Want You To Tell Me, “No” More Often

Something that comes up every so often in client work is when I tell my clients that them telling me, “no”, refusing to do an exercise, or realizing that something isn’t for them is actually WAY MORE IMPORTANT AND THE WORK rather than the exercise itself and doing it, “right”.

Let me explain.

We all come from a society that has taught us to obey authority. In many ways, it’s inside our human psyche- to do what we are told and to defer to somebody who holds authority- whether it’s perceived or real.

We learn over the course of our lives to override our instincts and our bodies’ needs, and to live in a state of perpetual state of stress.

From telling children that they have to ask to go to the toilet during class, to telling children to sit still all day, to glorifying achievement and overworking and overdoing, to underpaying workers, to the whole “hustle culture”.

Think about it.

That last training lecture you attended that was 2 hours with no breaks and the whole time you were fidgeting and desperate to leave.

That team meeting that did not need to happen where you had to stay despite actually needing your lunch and a long nap. Putting in all the hours for your career or business even though you’re depleted.

Or that time you had sex with your partner and the pressure was too hard or it was uncomfortable, but you didn’t know what to do so you quietly waited until they finished. 

Now add in if you come from a traumatic childhood and/or a high control religious group or cult. Or you’ve been around the bush with a few of them.

You were long taught that you could not trust your feelings or your instincts, and to do what you were told, no matter what. And/or an upbringing where you were “the good girl”, and tried your best to make everybody happy. And more. The stuff that you’ve probably been processing in therapy for donkey’s years.

Certainly in Evangelical Christianity and Purity Culture- one of the main messages is that you cannot trust yourself, you are nothing, a sinful worm, and you absolutely cannot trust that wiley body of yours so cover it up at all costs, you must obey God- which invariably means the men in the hierarchy above you like the clergy or the pastors.

Pastor knows best

Vicar knows best.

Follow obediently.

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there! This mentality of “teacher knows best” is rife in the new age/spirituality/wellness world too.

Guru mentality is a key part of the fabric of yoga, tantra, personal development, the whole lot.

Where you need to “trust the process”, “push through your resistance”, “overcome your resistance”, “breathe through it”, or anything else.

Whether it’s breathwork, a yoga routine, rebirthing, NLP, hypnosis, whatever Tony Robbins-esque transformational workshop where you’re pushed to breaking point. Especially as it’s done in the name of empowering you, but can often do the opposite.

So much of it is designed so that you give away some of your agency to the teacher or leader who is supposed to know better than you. Where you trust the opinion and authority of your teacher or coach more than your own. It doesn’t mean there isn’t a hell of a lot of amazing shit in this world, and you’ve probably had deep healing experiences in it.

You may have had the breakthrough you needed and needed to be blasted open to make changes.

And it doesn’t mean that there are times where the teacher, coach, or therapist really does know better and you need someone you help call you out of your bullshit.

BUT. BUT. BUT.

What happens after that? When another shitty thing comes up?

I would love it if I could find somebody who could just tell me everything I needed to do- and I was unconsciously doing that for years too.

When you have spent your life being told what is best for you by others- and then add in some deep trauma- you lose that connection to where your own voice is and your own consent.

You lose your own felt sense of your boundaries, your, “yes, “no”, and “maybe”, and whether you actually want to be here.

In many ways, it completely stunts your emotional development and you are scared to make any choices of your own. So is it any surprise that you struggle to “let go” s/xually, to feel pleasure, or ask for what you want?

And this, my friends, is why building and establishing CONSENT goes way beyond “yes means yes and no means no”.

Now, it doesn’t mean that you need to go to the other extreme of hyper independence of, “You can’t tell me what to do!!”, refusing to trust anybody else outside of your own feelings, and acting without care or consideration for the community around you- as that is the shadow side.

Be mindful of when you are sliding to the other extreme- as we see with so many folk in the wellness and alternative world getting into bed with the Q crowd.

It’s why I have worked over the past few years to infuse consent and choice into all of my work. From the way I market and talk with people, to how I work with them.

Whether it’s 1:1, The Shameless Woman, or any workshops I run.

I believe that you following what you need and taking care of your body is more important than any process I can lead you through. 

I don’t always get it right, I make mistakes, but I always try to heal the boundary breaches. It’s why also in my personal life, I have made a habit of thanking people when they tell me they can’t do something, and telling them that they are awesome for taking care of themselves.

I hope you will consider doing the same. I’m going to be opening the doors to The Shameless Woman Immersion again soon, for another 6 month round, with extra tweaks and loveliness to help you shed your s/xual shame and celebrate your erotic self.

Join the waiting list here.