What is Sexting?
Sexting is sending sexually explicit messages to flirt with, tantalize, and build erotic anticipation with somebody. It can be sending nudes or suggestive photos of you in lingerie, or telling them exactly what you want to do to them in bed later, or to have virtual sex with each other if you can’t be with each other in person. People love it because it’s a way of connecting with someone sexually and erotically using modern technology. It’s convenient, accessible, and can feel titillating and exciting too.
How can sexting help your relationship and build intimacy?
Sexting can be a brilliant way of building connection and intimacy between two partners, either as a way to “spice it up” and bring in more excitement to your relationship or if you can’t be with each other in person– like if one of you is travelling, working abroad, in the military, it’s a long-distance relationship, or you’re just at work and you want to build excitement for when you get home.
It can be a way to say the things you feel too shy to say in person or out loud, to gain confidence to tell your partner what you want, to explore a fantasy, a kink, or a fetish, and an exciting foreplay.
It’s especially beneficial if you’re someone who experiences responsive desire- ie where you need external stimulation to feel your most sexually receptive- which is more common for women and people with vulvas.
Basically, if you need a lot to get you revved up and ready for sex, sexting can be a brilliant tool and way to “hack” your desire so that you’re ready to drop your pants as soon as your partner gets home.
WIN!
What are the drawbacks to sexting?
It needs to be consensual for both people, so if your date or your partner is pressuring you into it when you are not comfortable, for goddess’s sake, LISTEN to that. Not listening to your boundaries for this does not bode well for the rest of your relationship.
Similarly, if you’ve only just started seeing somebody- or you haven’t even met them in person yet- and they are pressuring you into sexting that feels too much too soon, this is a potential red flag.
Seriously, dudes on dating apps– or in social media DMs who try and sext straight away without checking for consent and clarity– is so frustrating.
While sending nude and explicit photos can be really sexy between two consenting adults, sadly they can easily be leaked online, which happens all the time, often with devastating consequences.
Either if one partner isn’t trustworthy and they post it online as a form of revenge porn, or if the photos get accidentally uploaded to the cloud or shared with another device, sending explicit photos is a big risk that you need to be aware of before you do it.
If you send or receive explicit photos of a minor, this is an offense in most countries that can get you prosecuted for possessing Child Sexual Abuse Materials- even if you and/or the person it is taken of are teenagers.
Yikes!
If you are a parent of teenagers, you must have this conversation with them because trust me, they already know about sexting and sending nudes, and may have already tried it.
You also want to be careful of when you are sexting, like for example you are giving a presentation on your laptop or tablet that is synced with your smartphone! It could be highly embarrassing for you, even if it’s hilarious for people watching!
Or if you’re with your family, it may not be the best time to be sexting, especially if it’s highly likely that kids will be looking at your phone.
How to start sexting with someone
If you’re completely new to sexting, start simple, like describing what you’re wearing, asking what they are doing, or describing how you want them to kiss you and touch you. Or you can be playful and send a string of suggestive emojis, it can be a fun way to connect.
Can you give yourself permission to get it, “wrong”? And that getting it “wrong” and “messing up” can be part of the process and can even make you closer.
Here’s a phrase I often tell my clients (and myself when I get in an anxious tizzy):
“You cannot fuck this up.”
If you want to initiate sexting with a new partner, start by asking them and discussing boundaries- because consent is paramount!You can make it sexy for example, “You’re so sexy, it would be so hot if we sent sexy messages, are you into it?”, or, “I find sexting hot and I’m going to miss you so much when I go away next week, want to try it?”.
If you want to try sexting with a long-term partner, you can start by bringing it up in a conversation like, “I’ve heard about sexting where we would send each other naughty texts, I think it would make our sex life more exciting and bring us closer, would you like to try it?”.
You may be pleasantly surprised that your partner may be into it!
Again, start small and simple.
A string of suggestive emojis when you’re at work, or a flirty note at the end of a text about what to buy at the supermarket or who’s picking up the kids, for example, “I’m picking up a lasagne on the way home, can you pick up some milk from the corner shop? P.S. I can’t wait to suck your cock later, I’m dripping already”.
What sexts get the best responses depends entirely on your unique dynamic with each other and how confident you feel with it. Ideally, stick with what you want to do to your partner, using language you know turns them on. So if you know that they hate certain words or phrases, don’t use them!
If you need inspiration, read erotica or subscribe to apps like Emjoy, Ferly, or Dipsea, or a sex-positive podcast platform like Tickle.life.
My five top tips on sexting:
- If in doubt or if you’re new to it, start small and simple. You don’t need to write a full erotic novel in one text, it could even be as simple as, “I can’t wait to put my face in your pussy later”.
- Check in with boundaries before you start, and make it a regular thing. Ask your partner what they don’t want to receive, what they’re into and not into and when is and when is absolutely not a great time. If your partner doesn’t listen to and honour the boundaries you set, that is a potential red flag.
- Think about teasing, describe what you want to to do your partner little by little to get them horny as hell.
- Go all out with euphemisms, puns, animal puns, the lot. Be naughty, cheeky, and irreverent.
- If you want to exchange sexy pictures, I recommend using a secure app like Kik, Signal or WhatsApp- check the settings so that images are not instantly downloaded, and make sure you keep them in a secure folder.
Sexting can be a really fun and delicious way to expand your erotic possibilities, play with the taboo, and have foreplay outside of the bedroom. If you’re new to it, think of it as a skill to be learned and mastered rather than something to beat yourself up about.
Have an attitude of playful curiosity and have fun with it, because laughter is one of the best aphrodisiacs too!
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her