You and your lover probably have a pretty solid routine when it comes to sex and intimacy.
Either they are the one always up for sex, always trying it on, with a high libido, trying trying trying, mrrrrrow come hither.
Or it’s you.
And on the other side, either you or your partner feels like Gandalf standing in front of the chasm saying, “You shall not pass!”.
It’s *often* in heterosexual relationships where it’s the man who’s constantly ready to go and the woman feeling like the gatekeeper…
BUT NOT ALWAYS!!
I’ve worked with and spoken with many people where it’s the opposite.
(Here’s an article I wrote for The Lowdown on what to do if your man has lost his libido.)
This happens just as much in queer relationships too.
And often you will both switch roles in this throughout the course of being together.
Rather than trying to get one of you to immediately change, here’s another way to look at it:
Your dynamic.
Hear me out.
All human relationships are entities of their own, and play out specific dynamics, or you could say, dances.
If you read the book, “Hold Me Tight”, by Dr. Sue Johnson, she talks about how all fights and sticky dynamics in relationships (romantic, families, friends, countries, everything) are actually a kind of dance.
The path to resolving it is to spot the dance you are doing together and step out of it.
In this case, one is the pursuer, the other is the… pursuee? The one being chased? The one withdrawing? I can’t think of the words here, but you get the gist.
Whatever it’s called, can you get a felt sense of the dance and dynamic that BOTH of you play out with sex?
This isn’t about blaming anyone or making anybody the bad person, it’s something you are both cocreating between you.
Something I have often asked clients in sessions when this is playing out is:
How would you feel if suddenly they switched track?
Or you did?
Suddenly YOU are the one with a raging libido who can’t get enough and your partner is shrinking.
Or vice versa.
How do you feel now?
What would change between you?
How does the way you behave towards them change?
This isn’t about making anybody right or wrong, it’s just about being curious!
And then here’s the really uncomfortable part:
Getting curious about the part that YOU are playing in this.
Getting very uncomfortable with yourself and owning where there is a payoff for you.
Where are you able to palm off some responsibility to your partner?
What really uncomfortable feelings are you able to avoid by playing this out?
Where are YOU not owning what you really want?
Where are you slipping into feeling like a victim or a martyr?
I am brilliant at being a victim and a martyr, by the way. It’s one of my go-to favourite things to unconsciously play out until I become aware of it or until somebody gives me a very loving bum kick.
Before you think I’ve become all gaslighty here– this is NOT about making you the bad person or also acknowledging that your partner doesn’t also have their own things they bring to the table.
Everybody is capable of behaving like an arsehole, being petty, projecting our insecurities and hurts onto our partners, avoiding responsibility, and playing out outdated gender roles.
Relationships are a two-way (or three-way, four-way) street, both of you are contributing to the dynamic.
If you feel any doubts that you may be in a dynamic that could be abusive, please listen to that, and find people you can get a reality check from- be it a therapist, coach, friends and family you trust.
The point is about clearing up your side of the table, so to speak, so that the dance changes.
Are you willing to take full responsibility for your own sexual happiness and satisfaction rather than outsourcing it to your partner?
So that sex is a wonderful co-creation between you, and where you fully own your own orgasms, moans, wants, turn on’s and turn off’s, rather than waiting for the right moment and hoping things will magically change
It’s like waiting to win the lottery to fix your finances rather than doing the work to get them in order.
Want to take the most life changing and rewarding deep dive into your sexual bliss?
For smart, soulful, highly motivated women and vulva havers, who are ready to truly OWN their own sexual delight and satisfaction.
You can start with this free video class on authentic sexual confidence.
Then how about going 1:1?
You and me, for 6 months.
Get all the details of working 1:1 here.
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Next year I am really excited about opening up more containers– another round of Orgasmic Liberation Live and The Shameless Woman Immersion.
If you want to join the next round of group programs, you can join the waiting list to be notified.
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her