I still clearly remember a visiting youth pastor saying this to our church youth group when I was a teenager.
We were sitting in a circle talking about sex and relationships upstairs at St. James Alperton.
It was the 00’s in North London, we were all teenagers. I don’t remember much else from his talk, apart from the fact that even though we were mixed genders, this statement was only aimed at us girls.
The message was that other girls and women were being loose with their morals, and that we, as Christian girls should be and were better.
No mention of consent. No mention of safer sex practices. No mention that it takes two to tango and that there are many ways to be intimate without intercourse. No mention of telling the boys to respect consent.
Looking back, I wonder why on earth was this grown man talking about this and aiming at teenage girls, giving us the message that our worth was in proportion to how many penises we had had inside us. It was to keep ourselves “pure” to give this amazing gift of our virginity until marriage.
This was just one of the many, many, many talks and events I had as a teenage Christian- in youth groups, worship events, festivals, weekends away, and holidays.
And the conversations with friends on how far could we go, being shocked that somebody in our friendship circle was… having S.E.X. as though it were the worst thing in the world, second only to hitting old ladies or murdering puppies. I feel empathy because we really didn’t know any different back then.
It was just DON’T do it, end of. (“IT” being intercourse, obviously, and by default, anything sexy as it was a “slippery slope”.)
Even though we were Christians, we still lived in the secular world and had contact with non-Christians.
And back in the 00s, the secular messages about sex and sexuality really weren’t much better, to be honest. There were no mainstream conversations about consent, pleasure, your right to bodily autonomy, your right to pleasure, or what orgasms really are.
So I guess we were screwed either way, with no accurate or affirming information.
Not to mention that back then, nobody was publicly “out”, and calling someone “gay” was the most popular insult.
I often wonder how my life would have been different if I never received those messages and had never received Purity Culture messages about sex.
I also wonder what I would say if I ever met that pastor again.
What I would say to him now
I imagine myself walking into that room- taking a slow and steady breath- and saying:
“Hi everyone, Certified Sexologist here and there’s only one person in the room qualified to give you accurate information here, and it’s definitely not him.
Don’t listen to him he hasn’t got a bloody clue what he’s talking about.
You, sir, think you’re protecting them from harm, but you’re actually setting them up to feel confused and ashamed of their bodies instead.
The girls will be feeling ashamed every time they do have sex- and believe me, they will be- and will most likely be having sex they don’t really want or enjoy because you haven’t taught them how to ask for what they want, and it will be more likely to be unprotected because you haven’t taught them to assert their boundaries with their pushy boyfriends.
Instead, they will be carrying around this message that they are spoiled goods- or a fear they will be spoiled goods- who the hell do you think you are?!
Not to mention that you’re implying that penetrative s.ex has the ability to make their vaginas “loose”- which is also not only completely false, but shaming.
The boys will still have a feeling of either entitlement or their own shame that their penises have the ability to ruin a girl- most likely both- and they will most likely pressure girls into having unprotected and unpleasurable sex, or feel so afraid of their own desires that they shutdown.
What you are telling these young people will mean they will eventually need to seek my help or another s.exuality professional on how to unscramble their shame so they can have the intimacy that you say is so awesome if they marry.
Please stick to your field of specialty and stop installing fear-based messages into these young people which will not help them.”
Then I would whip out my vulva and clitoris pillows and give a proper anatomy lesson.
Followed by a roundtable discussion around navigating consent and safer sex practices.
If the pastor blushed, so more the better if he was married because his wife would thank me.
In my professional life, I have heard so many similar stories, it’s insane.
Purity Culture and religious teachings on sexuality have hurt so many people.
I’m so grateful that my adult life has been about making up for that, repairing the damage for myself and for others.
Deconstructing from Purity Culture is a messy process, but it is absolutely possible.
It starts with reclaiming your body and s.exuality as GOOD and whole.
Here are some books I recommend:
- Shameless, by Nadia Bolz-Weber
- Come As You Are, by Dr. Emily Nagoski
- You Are Your Own, by Jamie Lee Finch
- Becoming Cliterate, by Dr. Laurie Mintz
The Shameless Woman Immersion is the body of work I created in the s.exual healing process.
So that you feel the joy and life giving nature of your s.exuality, so that it is on your own terms and for you first.
Celebration. Integration. Pleasure.
6 spaces left, is this calling you?
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Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her