The real reasons you’re struggling in your relationship during the pandemic
Is your partner driving you absolutely batshit right now? Read this.
A reminder to anybody experiencing relationship/marriage difficulties at the moment: You are not alone and you’re not broken.
In this post, I’m going to share two surprising reasons why you are struggling in your relationship or marriage that may not be what you think.
You can read Part 2 on what you can do about them in this post here.
1. You are expecting too much from your partner
It is not realistic or healthy to have ONE partner meet every single relational, social, emotional, physical, intellectual, or even sexual or sensual need.
Read that again.
Therapist and author, Esther Perel, says that our western overly romanticized attitude towards relationships/marriage is actually a very recent phenomenon.
Back in the “good old days” (I use this term sarcastically) in western culture, and still in many other cultures today, you got married for practical reasons rather than love. You got married to consolidate wealth between families, to help with the labour on the farm or the family business, for economic stability, and for children.
Getting married for love and then committing to love and be sexually exclusive to this one person for your whole life has only become a major trend since the 20th century.
This isn’t a blog post against love or monogamy, or an argument that you should open up your relationship if that doesn’t resonate with you.
I’m just giving an uncomfortable reality check that maaaayyybe, just maybe, you are expecting your darling to meet the needs that a village would normally meet, and vice versa?
Again, it doesn’t mean that you have to end the relationship or marriage you are in, or break the boundaries of your relationship, you’ll read why in the next post.
But it does mean that you need to find out what your core needs are- emotionally, mentally, socially, spiritually, sensually, and sexually- and decide how much your partner can meet and how much they can’t.
Remember, it takes a village.
Unfortunately, because of the pandemic, you are now probably isolated from that village that you both need to stay well and happy.
Add to that the other stresses that have come with the pandemic, you are probably under-resourced not just financially but emotionally, physically, and socially too.
Now take a breath.
2. Relationships are supposed to bring up old wounding
According to the most popular relationship therapy and theories (like IMAGO therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy), we will unconsciously always choose a partner who will reveal old wounding, usually from childhood.
This shit is unconscious, you don’t have conscious control over it.
Don’t panic! It’s not a weakness, anything you’ve done “wrong” or because you haven’t done enough “work” on yourself, it’s because you’re human.
You can’t escape your humanness and it’s a form or spiritual bypassing to try to do so.
It doesn’t matter how much work you try to do on yourself, how many workshops you do, how much energy healing, chakra clearing, chord cutting, shadow work, tantric immersions, forgiving your parents, family constellations etc etc.
You cannot escape or try to “evolve” being a human being with human wounding.
So maybe give yourself and your partner a break?
Go on, pop your feet up, have a beer or cup of tea, watch trashy TV, and fart on the sofa together. (Oh, is that just me then? #sorrynotsorry.)
The problem is, when you are rubbing up on each other’s wounding, it can be a shock if you’re not expecting it or aren’t used to it.
You may question if you’re right for each other or beat yourself up for making the same mistake yet again.
You were hoping for the fairytale, and instead you feel like you’re in a low-budget Jennifer Aniston movie.
OR… it can be a brilliant opportunity for you to do a gentle inquiry into your triggers, wounds, and shadows.
Because maybe you are a bit more of a pain in the arse than you realized?
Maybe you are just an adorable human being like the rest of us, too?
Hence, intimate relationships/marriage can be the ultimate personal growth workshop, should you choose to go down that path.
Now, put these 2 principles together, is it any surprise that neither of you is functioning at your best right now? Not at all.
So, what can you do about it? Are you doomed to spend your relationship or marriage unhappy? A lot more than you may think.
I’ll cover this in the next post here, but for now, please give yourself and your partner a break.
LET’S STAY IN TOUCH
If you want specialized support to embrace pleasure, your authentic sexual self, and releasing sexual shame to create connected relationships, learn more about how you can work with me here.
Download your free audio training on sexual communication.
Buy my e-book, Rekindle The Sexy Spark in Your Relationship.
Join my free Facebook group for women, The Intimately Empowered Woman.
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Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her