Sexual Healing After Purity Culture + My Unorthodox Life
Is anyone else slightly obsessed with My Unorthodox Life on Netflix?!
I’ve been binging on it and even though there are some things that raise my eyebrows- like being super scripted and the fact that Julia Haart does bulldoze over peoples’ boundaries- it’s still a real treat.
It fires up my passion for supporting people coming out of Purity Culture or going through sexual deconstruction after a Faith background.
(I also love watching movies, tv show, and videos about former religious folk and cults- do you?)
As an exvangelical myself, I walked this messy AF road, and have spoken with many people who have done the same.
If you’ve also gone through this- or are still deconstructing- then I am SO glad you are here and I salute you.
I took guts and bravery to get here, and it will not have been easy for you.
Consider me your British Julia Haart or Sexy Fairy Godmother.
Here are 3 things to remember as you take this messy but also healing road of sexual deconstruction.
1. Allow yourself to make mistakes
You have been immersed in a binary belief system of “Right” vs “Wrong”, “Good” vs “Bad”, “Sin” vs “Holy”. You will have been so indoctrinated into being a Good Girl or Boy, that you don’t know what you really want or like anymore, and well be afraid to get anything wrong because of feared divine punishment.
This psychologically and emotionally stunts you, so you will actually be going through a kind of adolescence again.
Part of healing is to allow yourself to make mistakes- with partners, experiences, wants and needs- and forgiving yourself for being a human being.
Take responsibility for any hurt behaviour, make amends when you need to, but please let yourself mess up and make mistakes!
It is how you will grow and mature, and you cannot avoid this messy phase.
It will also make you more empathic and less judgmental to other people for also making messy mistakes- another Purity Culture hangover- double win!
2. You may go a little “crazy” and go through a “slut” phase- and it’s ok!
This is NOT bad or wrong!
Repeat that again.
Repeat as often as needed.
When you have come from a place of extreme repression, in order to find balance, it’s very common to swing to the other side of the pendulum, so to speak.
it’s a NORMAL response to trauma, especially Religious Sexual Shame.
There is nothing bad or wrong about being slutty- now is a great time to deconstruct your definition of what a “slut” is, along with the bias and shaming that goes along with it.
Examine the stories you have been told about how awful “loose morals” are- and what you may still be seeing in the media. Follow sex-positive content and join communities where your desires and “sluttiness” is celebrated.
You get to define your sexuality, and you may find that you reclaim the word “slut”, as a way to celebrate your body.
Immerse yourself in learning and asking for consent, and please act with care and concern with whoever you play with, then go out and play.
Again, you will develop deeper levels of empathy and concern for others, and undo the judgments you will have learned.
3. You always get to choose
It really is your body and your choice.
Part of Sexual Deconstruction is also learning when to stop and find your, “no”- because you were never taught healthy boundaries.
You have choice, power, and agency and always have the right to stop any time you want to.
You can choose to experiment with lots of partners, or to be alone, or to find just one steady partner.
You can choose to wear short skirts and low cut tops one day, and snuggly joggers the next day.
You can choose to play with people of different genders if that feels exciting, or not.
You can choose to start masturbating, then stop halfway through.
You can choose what sexual activity you want to do and when you want to stop.
Your body and your sexuality are your own, the possibilities are limitless- providing you act with care and concern for those around you.
Now is an exciting time to discover what your actual wants, needs, values, and boundaries are- so go out and explore the world with all of your senses!
One last note
Your sexual deconstruction journey may look nothing like anybody else’s, try to stop comparing yourself to others or make yourself follow a timeline.
You are a beautiful, messy, flawed, glorious, imperfect, gorgeous, and unfolding human being just as you are.
What would you add to this list?
LET’S STAY IN TOUCH
Want specialized support to embrace pleasure, your authentic sexual self, and releasing sexual shame to create connected relationships? Learn more about how you can work with me here.
Download your free audio training on sexual communication.
Buy my e-book, Rekindle The Sexy Spark in Your Relationship.
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Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her