For the big dreamers, high achievers, and go getters.
For you who have had the wind knocked out of your sails and you’re in a low ebb, this is for you.
If you have been also having a hard time physically and mentally due to Global Shitstorm (ie The Pandemic), I’m not going to give you platitudes of,
“Be kind to yourself”
“Self care”
“You are enough”
Because they are plastered all over social media and somehow, I don’t think you’re doing a very good job of it.
The past few months I’ve been feeling like I’ve been wading through mud.
Forget rapid expansion, I was just trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep my head above the water. It’s hard to explain to somebody who hasn’t been through it- but I have a sneaking feeling we’ve all experienced some of it.
At the beginning of the Global Shitstorm (my preferred term for the pandemic), I thought I was coping brilliantly. I went into hyperdrive, on fire, full of ideas, creative, and enjoying the pause.
And then… Um, not so much.
As the months went by, as more and more people in the wellness and spiritual world turned to the Q crowd and sharing anti-vax and alternative “news”, I felt less and less safe and sure in a community I had embraced.
The teachers and influencers I used to love and quote turned out to be fallible human beings, and the foundations on which I thought I had built myself up started to crumble.
As the winter months crept in, with the accompanying seasonal depression I am prone to, I felt my internal walls shattering. I couldn’t bring high energy to anything I was doing without paying a price afterwards of a crash.
What I understand now is that my system was just completely overloaded and had gone into survival mode. My adrenals were probably fucked. I had been trying to harvest from an already depleted field.
If this sounds familiar to you, then read on.
Deep down, you’re probably still beating yourself up that you can’t function as normal.
You may be mourning the old you who could spin multiple plates, and feel ashamed that you are a shadow of who you used to be.
You may be still trying to convince the world and yourself that you can power through, just a bit longer, just until lockdown ends or just until you can break even financially.
You are trying to use affirmations to blindside yourself and pretend you’re fine.
But you’re not fine.
Instead, I want to suggest an alternative way of thinking about it that I have had to embody living with a chronic health condition.
In 17 years of M.E., I have found that every single time I tried to work against my body- every single fucking time- I never got very far.
It would usually result in a relapse or worsening of health. My body speaks very loudly to me and she is very vocal. She soon lets me know when something isn’t working– even if my brain likes to race ahead.
For you, and for many of us, you may be experiencing this too.
For some, it’s the first time, and that is scary as fuck.
The prolonged stress from the past year (which is on top of any other stress that was happening in your life prior to Global Shitstorm) has put profound stress on your body.
Not the kind of stress that people wear with pride.
As in the kind of stress that has eroded your system so that it’s functioning by its threads. (Like the NHS at the moment, but that’s another post.)
Your physical and mental capacities are probably a lot lower than they used to be. Your window of tolerance has shrunk.
You may have been diagnosed with something or not. You may have long covid or not.
Either way, you are being faced with the reality that you are not a superperson with superpowers who can do it all.
You’ve smashed against the walls of your limits and are now sat nursing the massive bruise on your forehead.
This is not a weakness or a “limiting belief”, my love, you are being confronted with your humanity.
You are a human with a fleshy body, a heart that pumps blood around that body, bones, muscles, a digestive system, and other fun stuff that squelches.
And if you are female or have a uterus and ovaries, your hormones will change each month resulting in energy changes.
So instead, why don’t you go with it?
Surrender.
Drop down.
Do nothing.
Be yin.
Let your body tell you what it needs. Go small for a while.
Put one foot in front of the other and see where you end up.
Could be fun. You may end up wandering into a fairy grotto or some other magickal place.
You’re not, “giving up”, you’re resting.
You haven’t failed, you’re rebooting.
You’re not silly or imagining this, you’re having an internal restructure.
Aaaaaaannnnd if you really want to give your brain something to chew over, tell yourself you are helping to destroy the patriarchy by deliberately resting and taking care of yourself rather than enforcing internalized capitalism on yourself. You’ve got this.
Here’s to going small, going slow, and being turtles.
LET’S STAY IN TOUCH
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Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her