“Oh no! I don’t know if they’ll be comfortable with that!”
Is a response I sometimes get when I speak to other peoples’ communities on sexuality– whether in Facebook groups or on podcasts for mums, entrepreneurs, or empowering women.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE speaking to these communities! And at the end of the day, it’s your community and you know them better than I do…
… and yet I also raise an eyebrow…
Sex is a lightning rod topic (a la Dr. Patti Britton), and it’s laced in emotional baggage.
Many people have had traumatic and unwanted experiences, and it could still be raw and unprocessed. I completely respect that and want you to feel safe and empowered in your boundaries.
But I also believe that when you pussyfoot around and tread with too much caution, you have the opposite effect and cause more harm than good.
I’ll be direct because I’m marrying a German, I have German heritage, and I am trying to unlearn my British over-politeness.
Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we?
And not a “square trowel-like thing that you may want to dig in the garden and have in the shed”.
When sex and all the topics around it are shrouded in hushed voices, timidness, using euphemisms, and with an expectation that “THIS IS SOMETHING BIG AND SCARY TO BE SCARED OF”, then what do you think the result will be?
You feel scared and embarrassed. You can’t say genital anatomy without blushing. You can’t look at your genitals without feeling ashamed. You can’t talk about pleasure or feel good about it.
It becomes the elephant in the room of your relationship or marriage. You don’t know how to talk about it with your kids when they ask you, even though you want them to be empowered and not have the same experiences you did.
You want to do better by your kids, and you want to have a closer, more passionate relationship, don’t you?
I think you’ve really had enough feeling ashamed because it was probably the culture you grew up in.
It’s sad that nobody grew up in a completely sex positive environment or culture, even with the most permissive parents in the world, because you can’t escape the cultural soup around you.
You have likely not received a completely positive, pleasure-focused, and accurate sexuality education or role-modelling.
Now with social media bans and crackdowns on sexuality related content- including educational and informative pieces- yet again, the dreaded big topic that rhymes with “thecks”- is pushed into the shadows and surrounded in yet more secrecy, thus adding to the vicious shamey cycle we already have to deal with.
Fuck that.
I will continue to do my job that I was trained for and talk about sex openly, using the correct terminology, and de-bunking the shame and stigma, while doing so with an open heart and being mindful of boundaries.
When I trained in sexology, we were taught to speak without shame and create a safe container for clients by giving permission. This is what I do for you, so you can go boldly into the taboo and reclaim yourself again.
Secrecy and being indirect about sex, while also not knowing about boundaries, helps nobody.
If you’re ready to drop the baggage of sexual shame and frustration and embrace your pleasure potential in sex and relationships, learn more about my coaching programs here.
You can buy my guide for self-pleasuring for badass womxn here.
All my love,
Lucy
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The reason I often have to write “sex” in a weird way on social media is because Facebook and Instagram reeaaaallllllyyyy don’t like sex educators and people and are cracking down and banning us. I could get de-platformed and I would bloody hate for us to lose touch.
(Want to know why? It’s actually got a tie with QAnon and saving children but not in the way you think. Google, “The effects of SESTA/FOSTA”, and how organizations like Exodus Cry are campaigning for outright censorship, and how it’s been linked to the outcry over trafficking the past few months, and you’ll see.)
By the way, you only have a few days left to download, “Re-kindle The S£xy Spark in Your Relationship” for free, so do it now!
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her