Ask a Sex Coach: 30 Lessons About Life, Love, Sex, and Relationships Since I Turned 30
It’s official, I’m no longer a twenty-something anymore. I’ve hit the big 3-0 and it’s been one hell of a decade.
I won’t go into all the details on here, suffice it to say that my 20’s were a period that started with severe illness, which turned into healing, recovery, growing up, and learning how to be an adult.
When I think back to the woman I was and have become, there’s so much I wish I could tell my younger self. Can you relate?
So I compiled a list of everything I’ve learned about life, love, sex, and relationships from my 20’s that I wish I could tell a younger me.
30 Lessons in Life, Love, Sex, and Relationships by a Sex Coach
1. Balance is everything. It’s no good being successful in your career if you haven’t got time for fun, rest, play, relaxation, and connection.
2. Don’t run after people. whether it’s in dating, friendships or business. The fact that you’re running means they’re not that interested. So stop and let the right people come to you.
3. Expressing anger in relationships doesn’t mean the end of the relationship. It’s actually healthy and it’s far more destructive to bottle it up or try and run away.
4. Ask for what you want. In the asking, you’re taking your power and claiming your worth. The worst someone can say is “No.”
5. You are allowed to want what you want. You are allowed to desire and you’re claiming your worth by allowing it.
6. Listen to pain- especially vulva pain. Stop, take a breath, and get it checked out. Don’t tolerate pain (unless you are living with a chronic pain condition).
7. Make time for people you love. Because life will always be too busy unless you make time.
8. Relationships (both romantic, friendships, and business) aren’t, actually, all about you. 😳 You deserve to have your needs met, but nobody is an island.
9. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY. It’s the only body you have, so feed it well, move it, love it, and tell it loving messages.
10. Self-care isn’t a luxury, it’s a priority. I can’t afford to not take care of myself with the work I do and neither can you.
11. Move every day. Whether it’s walking, dancing, running, yoga. It moves the energy around and frees your spirit.
12. Be here now and be present. Stop striving to improve all the time and appreciate what you have right now and my body sensations.
13. It’s not always about peak experiences and moments of ecstasy. Joy and pleasure and can be found in every day, mundane activity. Trying to chase ecstatic experiences isn’t healthy long-term.
14. Read the signs and trust your gut when choosing lovers. Cold, selfish, and arrogant people usually make cold, selfish, and arrogant lovers.
15. Love your body completely, right now. Perfection is an illusion, your body is perfect just as it is.
16. Stop apologizing for being unapologetically yourself. Just stop it.
17. Look after your sexual health. If a man refuses to wear a condom because he “doesn’t like the feel of them and says he’s careful about who he sleeps with”. Just don’t bother, get up and leave.
18. Let your freak flag fly with pride. Be you, be weird, eccentric, vulnerable, quirky, emotional, passionate. Be it all with no shame.
19. Your emotions are your friend. The biggest healing comes from being able to feel all of your feelings.
20. Dance it off. Any stress can be made much better by crazy dancing in your underwear to Eurovision songs.
21. You can say YES. Give yourself permission to say FUCK YES I WANT THIS with all of your body.
22. Life is too short to drink low quality tea. Feel no guilt about paying for expensive tea because the pleasure you will get is worth every damn penny.
23. Invest in your personal and professional development. Take every course, every workshop, every training that lights you up and will help you reach your goals.
24. Give yourself alone time. Being somebody who is highly sensitive you need time alone to process your feelings and energy.
25. Embrace the contradictions in your personality and love them all. You can be both extroverted and introverted, nurturing and needing alone time, quirky and boring.
26. Wear what brings you joy. Only wear clothes that make you feel fabulous and make you feel glad to wear them.
27. Commit to discovering who you are as a sexual being. There’s no shame in being kinky or vanilla, monogamous, monogamish, or polyamorous, sensual, insatiable, dominant, submissive, or a combination of all of them, as long as it feels good to you.
28. Know who you are and what you want in life and love. Get clear on your personal values, must-haves, and red-flags in relationships.
29. You cannot actually read minds. Always ask what someone is thinking before assuming.
30. And finally, trust your own opinion. End of.
If you could speak to your 20-year-old self, what do you wish you could tell them?
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