What IS a sex coach?
I get asked this question SO MUCH when I meet new people, so I’m going to get back to basics on what exactly I do, how I work, and who I help.
Many people say, “Oh so are you a sex therapist or a counsellor?”, to which I reply, “No, not really!”
And some other people ask me, “So do you watch people have sex then?”, to which the answer is also “No!”– although I do have colleagues do offer this service and would gladly refer to.
A sex coach is somebody who helps people who have more pleasurable, fun, and shame-free sex and intimacy. There are many different kinds of sex coaches who all work with different modalities, different theories, and different philosophies, but the uniting thread for all of us is this:
We believe that sex, intimacy, and your sexuality are vitally important to your health and wellbeing, and deserve to be treated as such
I am a sexologist which means I am trained in sexology, which is defined as the study of human sexual behaviour and how we think and feel about it.
Sex coaches can come from traditional sex therapy, sacred sexuality/tantra, BDSM and kink, adult retail, sexual health, sex education, specific sex coaching or relationship coaching training, or sex work or surrogacy. Most sex coaches are so passionate about their work that they are trained in multiple modalities and continue to expand on their training- yep, being a geek really is sexy!
Sex coaches act as educators rather than therapists, where we make up for the lack of comprehensive and pleasure-focused sexuality education that you almost certainly never received.
Why do you need a sex coach?
Think about it, what positive and affirming messages and education did you receive about sex? What kind of sex education did you receive in high school- or ever?
Probably very little, or how to put a condom on a banana and don’t for God’s sake catch an STI or get pregnant!
This quote from Esther Perel sums it up:
“Here is this thing called sexuality. Which most often we have all had to learn to explore in silence, often hidden. It is the thing we were taught never to talk about, until one day you become an adult and then you should be totally comfortable, knowing who you are, knowing what you want, knowing what you like and be able to communicate it and intuit the needs of the other person. There are very few things in life that we have learned to be so silent about which we then are supposed to become so fluent about.“
Sex is an emotionally charged and shame-ridden topic, and we all come from a sex-negative culture. You were not taught about pleasure, orgasms, consent, sexual communication, let alone how your eroticism can be life-giving and a source of power.
You have not been encouraged to view your sexuality, your body, and your pleasure as important or even what “sex” is and isn’t.
Is it any surprise that it’s caused problems for you and/or your partner/s?
You don’t learn how to cook a gourmet meal by only learning about food poisoning and you don’t learn to drive a car by only learning about the dangers of car crashes, it’s the same with sex.
Everybody will face issues with sex at some point in their lives, but very few people will actually decide to do something about it.
This means you will continue to suffer in silence, which means everything else in your life will suffer- not least your relationship or marriage, but also your self-esteem, your confidence, your relationship with your family, your parenting, how you show up in work or business- it really does impact everything.
So why not get help to fix it?
How sex coaches work
Sex coaches work from an approach of no shaming, blaming, pathologizing, or judgment, because so few people have been given accurate and affirming sexuality education.
As there are so many different kinds of sex coaches from different approaches, everybody will work slightly differently according to their training, specialty, and preferences.
My own style of working is unique as it combines evidence-based and pleasure-focused sexuality education with more holistic tools from tantra, taoism, ritual, breathwork, and embodiment. I also work from a trauma-informed approach and aim to help you work with your nervous system, not against it.
I believe in a holistic way of working and working with all of you. With how you feel about your body, your core sexual self, masturbation, sexual shame, your desires and fantasies, your connection with spirit, and so much more.
I don’t personally work with touch, but I will gladly offer a referral to a colleague who does, usually to somebody who is a trained and certified sexological bodyworker.
[READ MORE: What It’s Like To Work With me]
My professional values include being LGBTQIA+ affirming (and also knowing I will always need to be mindful of my biases), kink-friendly and also vanilla-friendly, sex worker-friendly, and most importantly, non-pathologizing!
Because while I am a big fan of therapy and there are many sex positive therapists I am privileged to call friends and colleagues, most therapists and psychologists are just not knowledgable about sex.
Most therapy and psychology trainings will offer on average between 4-10 hours of training on sexuality- if at all. Many therapists still work from unconscious biases around sex, and many normal and healthy sexual behaviours are still stigmatized- like BDSM, kink, and porn usage.
A sex coach is not typically a trained therapist or counsellor, although some are, as we are a niche all in itself. Most sex coaches do not work with complex mental health concerns or deep trauma unless they are specifically trained, and would refer out to a qualified mental health or trauma professional instead.
You can read more about what sex coaching is from the training I took here
(The link to Sex Coach U is an affiliate link, if you are thinking about enrolling in their program. I am very proud of my training and would highly recommend it. I only endorese people, organizations, and products I genuinely rate. If you want to ask me about my experience training at SCU, my inbox is open.)
How can you find a sex coach?
The tricky thing about sex coaching- and the coaching and sexuality professions in general- is that there is no licensing or legal requirement to have any formal training or credentials.
It doesn’t mean that there aren’t highly skilled sex coaches out there, it just makes it harder to discern the right ones. Having the right training and credentials doesn’t always mean that a sex coach is good at their work or is the right fit for you either. I have some colleagues who while they may not have the right paperwork, I know are brilliant.
Here are some things to look for:
What training, credentials, and/or experience do they have in sexual health, sexology, BDSM/Kink, sacred sexuality or anything else? Can you track what their lineage is and who trained them?
Do they come recommended by someone you trust or by another colleague?
Do they list their values and ethics? Or does it clearly come across in their marketing?
Do they state their policies on mental health and trauma?
Here are some directories to find a sex coach:
World Association of Sex Coaches (View my profile here)
Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers
Also look for people who are a member of:
The Association of Somatic and Integrative Sexologists (ASIS)
The American College of Sexologists International (ACS)
I personally would recommend people who have trained with the late Dr. Betty Dodson, Urban Tantra (Barbara Carrellas), the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, Authentic Tantra (Devi Ward), the Contemporary Institute of Clinical Sexology, Pink Therapy, Sexological Bodywork and Somatic Sex Education, or in Psychosexual Somatics Therapy.
[READ MORE: Where Can You Get Help With Sex?]
And seeing as you’re here on my site, here’s how I can help you.
Who do I help?
I’m here for when your relationship or marriage has hit a rut, and sex and intimacy have become the elephant in the bedroom.
I am a trained sexologist, which means that I am specifically trained to talk about and work with the uncomfortable things that most therapists or health professionals feel too embarrassed to.
I help you get from where you are now to where you really want to be sexually, erotically, and within your relationship or marriage. I use a combination of tools from sexology (the study of human sexual behaviour and how we think and feel about it), embodiment, tantra, taoism, and other sacred sexuality practices, somatics, and co-active coaching.
Sessions can include mental reframing, movement, breathwork, dancing, meditation, emotional clearing, and of course, real sexuality education that you never learned in high school.
My specialty is working with women or nonbinary vulva owners who can’t get out of their heads, can’t stop freaking out, or feeling ashamed, and really want this to change because it’s caused a massive roadblock in their relationship or marriage
They are typically in a relationship or married, but not always.
Here are just some of the things I can help you with:
- Vulvar pain, vaginismus, and/or pain on penetration
- Having sex that feels unsatisfying and frustrating
- Really not liking your body at all
- Low libido and low desire for sex
- Living in a sexless relationship or marriage because you cannot bear for your partner/s to touch you or be intimate
- Feeling shy and inhibited in bed
- Struggling to feel sexy after having a baby, an accident or illness, going through the menopause, separation or divorce, or another big life change
- Recovering from Purity Culture or Religious Sexual Shame
My focus isn’t so much on the trauma that has happened to you or picking apart all the ways your parents failed you, but actually getting you to where you want to be.
Juicy. Alive. Embodied. Cheeky morning bonks. Sexually confident. Loving your body. Exploring your full pleasure potential. Claiming your erotic power.
The way I work is either within a group setting or for a 1:1 program of between 4-6 months, as this is how you will see the transformation. I only work with women and vulva havers who are ready to do the work, and I work best with those who have done some form of therapy, coaching, 12 step, or personal development before as they will have a level of self-awareness that is so needed.
Then the fun really begins!
Are you ready to do the deep work on your sexual and erotic healing?
Learn more about how we can work together here.
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her