No, your libido isn’t broken, female sexuality works differently

She had a sad, numb look in her eyes.

“I just want to get my libido back, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Despite her smiling face, I could see frustration and thoughts racing behind it.

It had been years with her husband of playing the game of fending him off because of his high sex drive, and now it’s at a point where she feels resentful and angry- both at him, but also at herself too.

This could be describing any number of clients who come to me, by the way. It’s really common in heterosexual dynamics, but also happens in queer relationships too.

We talked about this on a call Orgasmic Liberation Live course last week.

This is usually what I tell them and explore with them:

You do not have a “dysfunction”, are broken, are frigid, or boring: Female sexuality (in general) just works differently and we have all been lied go about it.

Does this sound familiar to you? Then read on, and two journalling prompts to start thinking about what YOU really want sexually.

I saw this on Instagram today that summed it up, by the account Uteropedia. 

It’s not that you’re not horny, not sexual, or don’t enjoy sex (necessarily).

It’s that often, for us women and those in female bodies, our desire and arousal can work very differently to what we were told is “normal”– which is actually the default for men and those in male bodies. 

Seriously!

Think about it, do you feel like you should just feel horny at the drop of a hat, and then confidently drag your lover to bed, ravish them in 10 different positions, and cum within 5 seconds?

Be honest with yourself, I mean it. How much are you beating yourself up with or is your partner thinking it should be like this?

Maybe this used to be you a few years ago or when you were first seeing each other (because the honeymoon phase is a real thing) but not now, and now you’re stuck in an anxiety loop of doom?

In other words, if you:

• Need your partner to initiate before you get in the mood
• Need time to let it simmer
• Need a long, long time to get in the mood
• Get more turned on when there’s time to build up the erotic tension (flirty texts, flowers, dirty texts, lingering kisses, time alone without kids or distractions, he/she/they spend a loooong time touching you etc)
• Feel more sexually attracted to your partner when they are emotionally responsive to you or do the housework. No seriously, read this! 
• Feel more turned on by being sensual rather than going straight for the clit
• Feel more turned on by energy dynamics
• Usually don’t feel horny at all until your partner initiates or you look at something sexy– like porn, erotica, a sex scene in a movie, or reading a book on sex
• Get easily switched off

I officially diagnose you as: NORMAL! Let’s shout it from the rooftops! Normal, normal normal, normal.

You are normal! This is normal! The way that you experience desire and getting horny is normal!

Darling, your libido was never broken. You just experience it differently, and we have all been failed by not being taught about differences in desire and arousal.

By the way, this is not a strict man/woman thing either. You may be with a man who needs a long time too, or gets easily switched off. This default message of how we think sex “should” be harms everyone.

Ok, so now what? What’s the next step?

Here are 2 journalling prompts for you to start thinking about what you, yes YOU, need to be your most sexually satisfied:

Complete these sentences:

1. For me to feel my most sexually aroused and desiring, I need…

(Think emotionally, with your partner, what you need timewise, foreplay, what needs touching, where, what you want)

2. If “traditional” sex was off the menu and I could have anything I wanted erotically, sensually, intimately. ANYTHING. It would be…

Think outside the box. Get specific. Get explicit. Go there. Yes, there. The place you’re scared to go to. Speak the unspoken. 

This is your starting point. 

I wrote about what to do if you’ve lost your libido or sex drive in this article for The Lowdown here. 

What next? Want to be truly sexually satisfied and feel confident in your unique sexual expression?

1. Download your free video training on how to have more sexual confidence here.
2. Download a free 6 part audio training on how to more effectively ask for what you want in bed here.
3. Work with me 1:1. I have 2-3 spots available to work with me 1:1 over the next 6 months, for smart, passionate, and soulful women/vulva havers who are serious about creating the sex and intimate life of their dreams. Get all the info right here.

Or are you ready to start right now?

Apply for a free chemistry call here.

If approved, I’ll be in touch with a link to book our call, and if not, I’ll recommend somebody else or send resources.

Love

Lucy x