Choosing your first sex toy: Where do you start?
It was around 2010, and I was staring at my laptop screen with the mouse hovering over the picture of a bullet vibrator I was adding to my cart. I can’t remember what online store it was, but I do remember how nervous I felt when I entered my card details and pressed, “Pay Now”.
This was it. I was taking a step further out of purity culture teachings, officially starting my sexual exploration and exploring “the dark side”. And I am so glad I did.
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Choosing a sex toy especially when you feel like a beginner can feel overwhelming. How do you find the right sex toy? Where do you buy a sex toy? Should you try a bullet vibe, a wand, a rabbit, or something else?
Or if you’re a seasoned connossieur, it can be difficult to know what to choose from when there are so many options out there.
I hope this post can be a guide for you to make the best decison and find the best sex toy for you. That last part is the most important because what makes a toy good isn’t necessarily how many great reviews and press it has, but whether you actually like it and it gives you pleasure.
This isn’t a post reviewing or recommending different sex toys, it’s designed to help you make an informed choice when you shop so you can find the best toy for you.
Let’s start using one of my favourite analogies: TEA!
I know, I couldn’t help myself and I’m not in the least bit sorry. *slurrrrp*
What is the best sex toy?
Trick question! Well, kind of. Because whenever I get asked, “What is the best sex toy?”, it’s like me asking you, “How do you make the best cup of tea?” and getting umpteen different answers.
In my expert tea-drinking-snob opinion, an awesome cup of tea depends on 6 factors:
- What you want to drink it for and why. Is it to go to sleep? To feel comforted? Is it for a fancy occasion? Or just a morning pick me up?
- Your budget and what you’re willing to pay for the quality.
- The quality of the ingredients themselves. If I’m talking to UK folk, a cheap value brand from Asda won’t taste as nice as a delicious loose leaf blend. (Unless you’re somebody who loves it.)
- The manufacturer, their reputation, and how they source their ingredients. If you are a tea conossieur/snob, you’ll know that there are some brands that are much better than others.
- How the cup is made in the first place and knowing how to make it properly (or at least in the way you like it.) If it’s green tea, you need to have the water at 80 degrees and not overbrew it or it becomes bitter. If it’s herbal tea, you can steep that beauty for as long as you want. If I’m making my Earl Grey, I make it extra strong, bag left in, lots of milk.
- Your own personal preference. You will have the brands you like, the kinds of tea you like, and how you like it made. For me, if you serve me weak, beige Earl Grey from a cheap brand, I consider that akin to treason.
It’s pretty much the same with sex toys. What makes a sex toy good is a combination of the manufacturer, the materials it’s made with, and your own desires and preferences.
Understanding your needs and desires
Think about what you want this toy for. For pleasure and to get off is a given, but what else?
Do you want this toy to self-pleasure with or to use with your partner? Do you want it for clitoral stimulation, internal stimulation, or both? Do you want to explore your G-spot or Cervix? Do you want it for anal play? Do you want a toy you can insert during sex? Do you want to try something completely new? Or do you feel a bit daunted and want to start small?
For clitoral stimulation and self-pleasuring, you’ll want to explore toys like bullet vibes, wand massagers, vibrators of various different shapes, or clitoral suction toys.
For internal and G-spot stimulation, you can either try rabbit toys or glass or metal toys. Glass or metal is best for internal play because the inside of your vagina responds best to pressure rather than friction.
For a toy to use with your partner, you could explore an insertable vibrator, a cock ring if they are a man or have a penis, or any other kind of sex toy because everything can be adapted for partner play.
Read more about how to introduce sex toys into your relationship without it being awkward.
If you want to do any anal play, you must make sure the toy has a flared base because the anus can quickly “suck” it up and then you’re spending an unsexy evening in A&E.
The main categories of sex toys
While it seems like there are endless sex toys on the market (and there are!), they can actually be put into categories.
- Vibrators: This includes bullet vibes, wand massagers, rabbit vibrators, and panty vibes. These can be used for your clitoris, internal vaginal stimulation, the vulva, anus, nipples, or any part of your body depending on the shape and size.
- Dildos: These tend to be non-vibrating and are designed to be inserted into the vagina or anus. They’re made either of silicone, glass, metal, ABS plastic, cyberskin or jelly. For safety reasons AVOID any toys made of cyberskin, jelly, or vinyl. More on safety later.
- Anal toys: This includes butt plugs– both vibrating and not– and anal beads.
- Kegel balls or Ben Wa balls: Round balls you put inside your vagina either for strengthening or for pleasure. Kegel balls tend to be weighted and my friend and colleague, Sarah Martin, describes taking a run with Kegel balls in as “orgasmic running”.
- Masturbation sleeves: Also known as strokers, these are soft sleeves for men and people with penises to masturbate with. They come in various different shapes, sizes, and types with different textures on the inside.
- Penis rings: Also known as “cock rings”. These fit around the penis and sometimes the scrotum too. They are designed to help make an erection harder and/or last longer by restricting the blood flow out of the penis. Some of them also have little vibrators added in for extra pleasure for your partner. Do not wear one for longer than 10-30 minutes or if you feel severe discomfort.
- Pumps: Also called “penis pumps”, these are vacuum like devices designed to create suction around the penis, vulva, or nipples to increase blood flow. For penises, this can help create or maintain and erection, whereas for vulvas and nipples it can enhance pleasure.
- Harnesses: Garments you wear around your body– usually your hips– that are designed to hold a dildo or another sex toy for sex.
- Bondage and BDSM: This is a whole article in itself which I won’t go into here, but this category contains various different toys and tools for kinky play. For example: nipple clamps, rope, handcuffs, restraints, spankers and paddles, pin wheels, or toys for edge play.
- Remote operated toys: I’ve added this category in even though techically it comes under vibrators, because these are toys that are controlled externally– either by a remote control or an app– that your partner controls. You can either wear in your underwear (also known as “panty vibes”,) or insert into the vagina or anus, or even a regular vibrator that your partner controls with an app. You can play with exquisite power play or have long distance sex, and they are a lot of fun.
Your sex toy doesn't have to look like a penis
If you’re old enough to remember vibrators from back in the day– I’m talking the 90s and 00s– everyone was talking about the Rampant Rabbit.
[Side note, I still remember back in 2006 when I was in hospital, one of the care assistants who we all loved and had a wicked sense of humour brought in one of those old skool rampant rabbits that had rotating beads to show us. After laughing I still remember feeling a bit daunted as to how on earth you could fit that up your vagina. I was only 16/17, still a Christian, and very much no sexual experience under my belt.]
Sex toys back then had a seedier reputation, and many were phallic shaped.
Times have changed and now sex toys– especially vibrators– come in lots of different shapes that don’t rememble a penis at all. I’m not shading penises, it’s just that not everyone wants to have something phallc shaped, and it’s nice to have lots of options.
Many sex toys today are designed to either not look like sex toys, or look like a gorgeous decoration to have by your bed so that it doesn’t look out of place.
Vibrators or not?
Maybe vibrators aren’t your thing or maybe you want to try something new? Vibrators aren’t the only way to enjoy sex toys and many people just don’t like them– and that’s totally fine! It’s all down to personal preference and what feels good.
Non-vibrating sex toys include:
- Clitoral suction toys– like the Womanizer or Satisfyer, and many other brands do their own version of suction toys. These toys create a sucking that you place over your clit that more mimics oral sex. I have many friends say using a suction toy gave them the best orgasm of their lives.
- Glass, metal, silicone, or crystal dildos.
- Glass, metal, or crystal wands to be used vaginally or anally. (If you are inserting anything into your anus, it MUST have a flared base or something to stop it getting sucked up. Do not under any circumstances use crystal toys anally because of the risk of bacteria being stored.)
- Glass, metal, or silicone butt plugs.
You get to pick and choose what feels good to you, and that can change.
For me personally, there are days I want to use my trusty vibe, other days I feel like using my Satisfyer, and days I want to go “acapella” with my fingers and possible a glass wand. It’s all good. I can climax with all kinds, and each toy gives me a different experience.
However, please don’t believe the myth that you can get “addicted” to your vibrator or that it will numb you out. It’s all about how you use it, what you get used to, and what else is going on in your life.
Features and functions of sex toys
You would think a vibrator would do what it says on the tin, right? Just buzz? Weeellllllll, yes and no.
There is a whole world of different features of sex toys, ranging from the basic “insert it here” to various tech options you can sync with apps. Most vibrators come with a range of different speeds, intensity, and rhythms you can choose from, so it’s important to find the one you like.
(Although if I’m being honest, I’m not sure who actually uses the different rhythms function on vibrators, do you? Just give me the regular setting and I can choose how strong I like it!)
Think about what you want to use the toy for– solo use, partnered use, or both? Then think if fancy tech feels exciting to you, or just a headache?
For solo play you don’t need to think too much about it, but if you want to involve your partner, then exploring different remote operated toys could be an option.
Sex Toy Safety: The ingredients/materials it's made from
Just like with tea, the materials of sex toys REALLY matters, but this isn’t just for personal preference, it’s about safety.
Yes, safety. It may shock you to know that there are currently NO legal guidelines in any country that insists that manufacturers of sex toys make them safe for the body because they are usually classed as “novelty items”.
Seeing as you are using these products on the most intimate parts of your body with the potential to enter your bloodstream, you don’t want to be messing around with this. Unfortunately there are many toys on the market that are not safe to be used on or in the body, so you must shop wisely.
Safer sex toy materials:
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- Silicone (although also do your due diligence on this, as some brands use cheaper and more unsafe versions of it.)
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- ABS plastic (basically hard plastic)
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- Metal
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- Glass
If you want to go for a crystal toy, my opinion is fairly neutral on that, but remember crystals are porous and can store bacteria, so make sure you get it from a reputable manufacturer and it’s properly sealed. I hear a lot of good things about Chakrubs, so start there. If you accidentally drop it or crack it, that’s it. You can then only over use it with a condom.
Definitely unsafe sex toy materials that you should not put anywhere near your genitals (unless you put a condom on it):
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- Jelly
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- Cyberskin
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- Rubber
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- PVC
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- Vinyl
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- TPE
If this list feels overwhelming, I totally get it! In general, you want to avoid any toys that contain phthalates, which when they get into your bloodstream can leak all sorts of havoc on your hormones, fertility, and various other health horrors. Phthalates make sex toys more bendy and bind them together, and are found in cheaper sex toys.
It means that to make sure you’re using a sex toy that is safe for your body, you will probably need to pay more.
A rule of thumb for seeing if a toy is safe to use is:
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- Smell: Does it smell rancid, chemically, like burning, or just “off”? BIN IT!
- Texture: Does it feel powdery, tacky, or sticky? BIN IT!
There is an exception here which is you can use these toys with a condom on. So you don’t have to throw out your favourite jelly dildo, just pop a condom on and you’re good to go.
Don't trust it *just* because it went viral
Most sex toy brands and companies use influencers to promote their products, which in itself is not a bad thing. Influencers are helping change public opinion on sex toys which is amazing, and I play that game myself. Selling on social media is not a bad thing at all AND you need to use discernment.
Just because a sex toy or brand has gone viral, it doesn’t always mean that it’s a good brand.
A classic example is how the Rose Vibrator went viral on TikTok until sex educator, Scotty Unfamous, and many others sounded the alarm that it was made with unsafe materials. Not to mention not very good at the job anyway!
Find a reputable sex toy manufacturer
I only recommend getting sex toys from brands that specialise in sex toys, or at least a reputable retailer that is selling reputable brands. Then you know that not only will quality be good, but the materials will much more likely be body safe. That means please don’t buy your sex toys from aggregate retailers like Amazon or Temu– you can’t guarantee the quality or that the materials are safe.
However, more “vanilla” wellness and beauty companies like Boots, Superdrug, and Sephora are also selling branded sex toys too. Here in Vienna, I bought a Satisfyer from BIPA– which is like the Austrian version of Superdrug. Wahay!
Also be wary of brands that have seemingly come out of nowhere and look similar if not identical to well known brands. These are usually cheaper Chinese companies that rip off bigger brands with no guarantee of the quality.
My best recommendation is go to your nearest sex shop or look for feminist owned sex shops online for recommendations.
Sex Toy brands I like and recommend:
- Lelo
- Good Vibrations
- Tantus
- NJoy
- Womanizer
- Satisfyer
- Dame
- LeWand
- BeVibe
- Hot Octopuss
- We Vibe
- LoveHoney
- Ann Summers
- Unbound
- Smile Makers
- So Divine
- Vush
- Svakom
- Coco de Mer
- Kandid
There are many more niche and luxury brands that I cannot remember all the names of that will usually be sold in high end sex shops or online. Some will go for the marketing angle of being more eco friendly, others will be made of unique materials, or they will have a gimmick. Check out this selection of dildos on Etsy, I also remember seeing some gorgeous antique style porcelain dildos in Coco De Mer in London.
In general, when you buy a sex toy from a reputable seller it will come with a guarantee, so if it’s faulty you can return it.
Where to shop for a sex toy
You have three options when it comes to shopping for sex toy:
At your nearest sex shop, online, or at an Ann Summer’s style party hosted by a rep for a company. These tend to be MLM (multilevel marketing) companies.
No shade to Ann Summers, I was a rep a few years ago and I still love a lot of their products.
Depending on where you live, I would always recommend going in-person to a sex shop. You get to try out the toys and see how they feel, you get expert advice from the friendly staff who really have seen it all before, and quite frankly, you’re helping to support real life shops stay open.
In the UK, the most well known sex shop is Ann Summers, which you’ll find on most high streets and is always a fail safe if you don’t know where to start. However, I would always recommend that you seek out the locally owned small businesses first– even better if they are woman-owned and/or feminist.
Here are my favourite sex shops in Brighton, UK:
- LUST!: My all time favourite, owned by two friends, Calandra and Tim, and it’s also full of fun knickknacks too. Set in the North Laines, it’s an essential part of a shopping trip. The photo above was taken there!
- Taboo: Owned by the same couple and more catered to fetishwear.
- She Said Boutique: Owned by another friend and it feels like walking into a boudoir.
Here are my favourite sex shops in Vienna, Austria:
- Lebenswert: A woman owned, independent sex shop. It’s just off Mariahilfestraße, behind McDonald’s and Hofer.
- S-World: A sex shop chain.
- Orion: Another chain in both Germany and Austria.
If you are in London, you cannot miss visiting Coco De Mer.
My favourite places to shop for sex toys online:
In the UK:
- Sh! Women’s Store: My ultimate go-to UK based feminist sex shop. It used to have a shop in Hoxton, London, but since the pandemic it is fully online.
- Jo Divine: Another UK based locally owned sex shop. Support local!
- Kandid: Normalizing sexual pleasure as a wellness tool.
- SO Divine: A more affordable sex toy brand and I still use my trusty SO Divine Wicked Game Wand Massager.
- LoveHoney: It may be a big brand, but it’s one of the easiest and most accessible online sex shops.
- Easy Toys: Best for roleplay and great deals.
- Sinful: Great for BDSM and fetish toys too.
- Beauty Bay: While it is for makeup and skincare, they have a brilliant sexual wellness section that also includes brands from the USA would usually cost you a fortune to ship, like Unbound, Stocking Maud, Vush, and Smile Makers.
- Harmony: Brilliant for queer folk too.
You can also buy them from Boots, Superdrug, Sephora, and now even Selfridges!
In the EU:
- Fuck Yeah: Queer, feminist, inclusive sex shop in Hamburg, Germany, and online for EU based folks.
- Other Nature: Queer, feminist, inclusive sex shop in Berlin, Germany, and online for EU based folks.
- Orion: They have an online shop too.
- Fun Factory
- Tailbone: Queer inclusive sex shop in the Netherlands.
In the USA:
- Spectrum Boutique: Feminist and inclusive.
- Good Vibrations Boutique: One of the OG sex shops and pioneers.
- Dame: Gorgeous toys and products.
- Unbound: Fun and inclusive products.
- Lelo: To get the full selection of Lelo products, go direct to the online store itself.
- Organic Loven: Eco friendly sex toys.
- Smitten Kitten: Education based sex shop.
- Bellesa Boutique: As seen on social media and feminist.
- Enby: Trans-owned and gender expansive sex shop.
Your budget: Are luxury sex toys worth it?
While you will need to pay more for a good quality and body safe sex toy, there are many kinds of high-end sex toys where you can pay even more.
So are luxury sex toys better than regular ones? The answer is: it really depends.
Luxury sex toys will cost more for a variety of reasons. For example: the materials they are made with (usually with very high quality or rare materials), the design or the designer (luxury sex toys are designed to look luxurious, go figure), how they are made (some luxury toys are made in very small amounts or in a very specific way), the user experience (they will feel luxurious, how quiet they are, or specific technology), or just simply the manufacturer wants to put a high mark up on it!
Lelo is one of the leaders in luxury sex toys and there are other brands too.
A really well known example is the Crave vibrator that is designed to be worn as a necklace. Isn’t that cool?
Think about what appeals to you, what you want to use it for, and your budget.
Don't forget to use lube!
I would be remiss in my job as a sex educator if I didn’t remind you that lube is your best friend and to use lots of it with toys. It not only makes the experience so much more enjoyable, but if you’re doing any kind of anal play, lube is an essential because the rectum doesn’t lubricate on it’s own.
However, you need to make sure you use the right lube with the right toy, because you can risk degrading the toy over time.
A very quick guide to pairing the right lube with your sex toy:
- Water based: This lube goes with every kind of sex toy and it’s compatible with condoms, so it’s an “all in one”. However, as it dries out very quickly and can leave a slightly sticky residue, so you do need to keep reapplying it. It’s not ideal for anal play but you can still use it for that.
- Silicone based: This lasts much longer with more slip and slide and it’s compatible with condoms, however it’s advised to not use it with silicone toys as it can cause them to degrade over time. It can also be harder to wash off, so plan in extra clean up time. Silicone based lube goes best with toys of glass and metal.
- Oil based: My personal favourite as it lasts the longest and it just feels best to me. It’s compatible with all kinds of toys so it’s safe to use for solo play, HOWEVER if you plan to have sex using a condom, DO NOT USE oil based lube as it can cause the condom to rupture.
All retailers that sell sex toys will also sell lube, so you can get it all in one place. Or most pharmacies/drugstores sell them too, it’s very easy to find and buy lube.
Best sex toys for beginners
I’ve said that this post isn’t going to recommend specific toys, but I will give some pointers when it comes to choosing your first sex toy.
In general, if you’re a beginner and want to dip your toes in, I would recommend a small vibrator like a bullet vibe or something similar. Remember that most vibrators today come in lots of different shapes to look non-threatening and fun, so look for something small that looks appealing to you.
You could also try something like a magic wand style vibrator, because the OG wand vibrator– The Hitachi Magic Wand– designed as a general body massager. You can use this on your whole body or as a massager with your partner.
Remember, you can’t get this “wrong” and the worst that can happen (apart from buying a toy that isn’t body-safe) is you don’t like it. If you don’t like a toy, you can either try it a few times to see if how you feel changes, or just stop using it.
Your own preference: what sex toy is right FOR YOU?
Now you’ve considered everything, one of the golden rules is simply, “Do I like it?”
Sex toys are incredibly personal (for obvious reasons) and if you’re using something on an intimate part of your body, you need to like it in the first place.
In my time I’ve tried many different kinds and now my bedside draw is filled with my favourites.
This is why I highly recommend going to a sex shop if possible so you can actually feel the toys for yourself (unless you see something online that looks too irresistable and you just must try it!). Hold it in your hands and try the different functions. Tune into your felt sense and trust yourself on this.
Does this toy feel good in your hands? Would you like to use it? Does it look appealing to you? Would you love to reach for this on your night stand? If it vibrates, does the speed and intensity feel good to you?
It doesn’t matter how many good reviews the toy has or how luxurious the brand is, if you don’t like it, it’s not the right toy for you!
I’ve spoken with many women and vulva havers whose partner (with good intentions) bought them a sex toy and it never felt right for them because they didn’t choose it themselves. So unsurprisingly, they rarely if ever used it and just thought sex toys weren’t for them.
Sex toys can never replace another human, and they especially cannot replace your partner. They are a fun add on and enhancer of pleasure, and in the words of Stephanie Yeboah, author of the book Fattily Ever After: Black Fat Girl’s Guide to Living Life: “It’s not that deep.”
Have fun with them and embrace this exciting new adventure!
Want to be able to orgasm with or without a sex toy?
If you’re looking for support on how to have exquisite orgasms with your sex toys, I know you’ll love my digital course, Orgasmic Liberation.
Think of it as a one stop shop to the HOW of having orgasms, with the knowledge and practical exercises to train your body to cum.
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her