Why being a good girl will make you a terrible lover
“Don’t be a slut!!!”
You may know that in a previous incarnation, I was very, very well behaved. As a good, Christian girl who followed all the rules, I distinctly remember identifying as a “Good Girl”.
I was always polite. I never smoked. I didn’t get drunk. I was top of my class. I was a terrible liar. And I was proudly NOT one of “those” girls who went off with all the boys.
Believe it or not, not much has changed since those days as- I still don’t smoke or drink, I’m still a proud geek and I am still a terrible liar.
Except, of course, in sex.
Do you identify as an empath or highly sensitive person? When you have an open heart, you want to always do the right thing because you are a giver, a nurturer, and a lover. You hate to rock the boat or cause controversy, which means you’ll do anything to keep the peace. Especially in the bedroom.
The problem is, it will make you a terrible lover!
Let’s go back to our childhood. When we are brought up, our parents will have taught us to be a GOOD GIRL.
Don’t be messy. Always say “please” and “thank you”. Don’t be bossy. Put others before yourself.
And for God’s sake… DON’T BE A SLUT!!!
At our core, all humans want to be loved and approved of. In the Person Centred theory of counselling, it’s called the need for positive regard from others. It’s a basic human need to be loved by our caregivers, which means that we will adapt our behaviour and value system so that we will receive that love.
It’s well known by now that boys and girls are socialized differently during childhood, with the emphasis on girls being “Good”.
Our parents will have only wanted what was best for us, and if you are a parent yourself, you may feel a little uncomfortable with the thought of your children growing into sexual beings.
This means that if you are brought up and socialized as a girl, you will have been taught since childhood to NOT be slutty.
Tell me, how has that worked out in your sex life and relationships?
Are you so terrified of being “slutty”, that you have no idea what you like, sexually?
Are you afraid to let go in bed?
Are you afraid to ENJOY sex?
If you answered, “yes” to most or all of these questions, you’re suffering with “Good Girl Syndrome”.
So what can you do about it?
It’s actually pretty simple, but it will take time.
- Think about what messages you received about sex growing up. It may help to write down what specific messages you got from your parents, your community and your culture about sex. Do you agree with them today? What messages are not serving you any longer?
- Be aware of what messages the media tells you about female sexuality. You may notice that female sexuality is both idolized AND demonized. Women are supposed to be SEXY and ATTRACTIVE, but if she becomes SEXUAL, she is called a “slut” or “whore”. How is that affecting how you feel about your sexuality today?
- Find your own definition of what sexy is. Your sexuality is your own, so find out what you think is sexy and how YOU want to show up in the bedroom.
- Find positive female sexual role models and materials. Look for positive representations of female sexuality and public figures. Personally, I <3 Amber Rose, Maya Angelou, Jenn Gunsaullus, Rihanna, Dr. Zelaika Hepworth and Stoya. These women- and many, many more- fight to express their sexuality on THEIR terms.
- Make peace with your own sexuality. This is where working with a sex coach will help you.
If you want to finally break out of “Good Girl Syndrome” and find your own sexual voice, book a free transformation call with me.