ORAL SEX! BLOW JOBS! CUNNILINGUS! GIVING HEAD!
Notice now what body sensations came up for you as you read those words.
Did you feel a flinch or a grimace? A feeling of, “eeek!” or even, “EW”?
If you did, I want to give you a hug and say that it’s OK.
To give you the space to say and feel that maybe oral sex feels uncomfortable for you. Or even that it feels disgusting or scary? It’s hard to admit sometimes because you’re “supposed” to love oral sex.
It’s something you do for your partner and you make all the right noises and swirl your tongue in the precise directions, but it still feels weird.
I feel sad that it’s expected of so many girls and young women to just give blow jobs, regardless of whether they want to or enjoy it. Peggy Orenstein describes this culture well in her book, “Girls and Sex”, with the pressure girls are put under to engage in sexual activity before they are emotionally ready.
You want a boy to like you? Give him a blow job. You do it to keep your boyfriend happy, to be popular, to feel attractive, and to feel wanted. And at the same time, you also risk being outed as a slut and vicious rumours spread around when you do give blow jobs.
You can’t win.
Think back to high school when everyone was talking about who was giving who a blow job, and a lot of girls had their reputations destroyed from malicious gossip.
Maybe now as an adult, you just refuse to do it all together because it feels gross for you.
You KNOW where those genitals have been and what they’ve done and you’re not putting your mouth there, no thank you!
Here’s the thing that most people don’t get about oral sex:
Feeling a level of disgust around it is actually normal.
Yes, normal!
Think about it: genitals are pretty gross, aren’t they? They are where we pee, poop, and bleed. They smell, they sweat, they produce funk and body odour due to many sweat glands.
Growing up you were probably taught to keep yourself squeaky clean, “down there”, and also to keep those, “naughty parts” hidden.
And let’s be honest, there are many people who don’t practice good genital hygeine either.
If you grew up in a Faith or conservative community or household, there would have been an extra layer of shame around those sinful body parts that you must not touch.
Then add in emotional baggage about any pressure you received to give oral sex when you really didn’t want to, is it any surprise that you feel nervous or anxious about oral sex?
Anxiety about oral sex is very, very common.
Here’s how to flip the script:
Learn how to enjoy giving and receiving oral sex.
It’s that simple. And hard.
Think about it: do you really want somebody to be doing anything to you sexually that they don’t want?
It kills the mood to know that your partner is doing something for you that they hate. And it will be the same for your partner if they know you hate giving or receiving oral too.
So let’s go back to basics and reframe oral sex- which also means reframing how you feel about genitals too.
This is why I love the concept of, “cock worship”, or “pussy worship” (or whatever you love to call yours or your partner’s genitals).
You are showing your love and care to your partner by lavishing love and care on their genitals.
To give enjoyable oral sex, you need to enjoy giving it.
Forget fancy techniques, forget everything you think you know, just focus on your own enjoyment.
Imagine that this is the first time you are meeting your partner’s genitals and take your time. What if you could only give the kind of oral you want to give? Where you are taking the time to explore with your mouth and your intention?
If you like to play with energy, imagine that you are sending energy from your heartspace, through the mouth, and up through their genitals to their heart.
Or set an intention to show all of your love and desire to your partner only through your mouth.
It can feel hot as hell, and if you’re reading this feeling aroused, enjoy it!
Oral sex can be fun, bonding, sexy as hell to give as well as receive, and enjoyable.
What do you think? If you used to find giving or receiving oral sex difficult but enjoy it now, what shifted it for you? Tell me in the comments below.
Ready to gain sexual confidence and feel sexier than ever? Then you’re ready for SEXYBACK2020. Learn more here.
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her