This post is based on my response to a reader’s question in iNews, which you can read here.
Let’s be honest, many men (and I’m referring specifically to cisgender and heterosexual men here), DO feel threatened by or at least a little anxious around introducing sex toys with their partners.
They can worry that it means that they aren’t good enough as a lover, that it means that their partner isn’t happy about the sex they’re having, or even that a vibrator could replace them.
And/or many women/people with vulvas in relationships with men can worry that introducing sex toys could emasculate them or make them feel threatened.
The topic of women overly worrying about upsetting their partners or hurting their egos in sex is a WHOLE other post in itself, believe me! It’s at the root of so much sexual unhappiness, where women just put up and shut up for years, because potentially upsetting your partner feels more threatening than feeling upset yourself.
I digress.
This post is specifically for women who want to introduce sex toys to their partner OR if you are an awesome man who wants to introduce sex toys and feels a little anxious.
TL:DR: If you read nothing else, you using sex toys as part of your repertoire will make you an incredibly skilled lover that many women would be queuing up for. Take this wisdom and spread the word, my friend!
Sex Toys DON’T replace your partner
Let’s get this out of the way first: Sex toys do not and cannot EVER replace your partner!
Think of using sex toys as an enhancer to the sex you’re already having with your partner. They can make what you have together even better, rather than replacing them. I like to think of it as adding whipped cream and marshmallows to an already delicious hot chocolate, rather than switching drinks altogether.
No sex toy can ever replace your boo, or any human, they just add a completely different experience. Got it?
They cannot kiss you, give you skin to skin contact, look into your eyes, touch you the way you want to be touched, breathe on your neck before they suck, tell you how sexy you are, tug on your hair, tell you they love you etc etc tec.
They can never completely replicate a human finger, tongue, or penis. Please reassure yourself and your partner of that.
You’ll know that when you use a vibrator or toy on yourself, it’s a completely different experience to sex with your partner. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally too.
It’s not necessarily better or worse, just different, and fulfills a different need.
How to start using sex toys in bed with your partner
There are so many ways to use sex toys with your partner, which can depend not just on WHAT toy you use, but WHERE you use the toy.
A simple way to start is to show them how you use the toy on yourself, and invite them to try. They could use the vibrator on you as part of foreplay, and you can mix it up with a vibe and their fingers or tongue.
Remember, think of the toy as ADDING to your experience, enhancing it, making it even better, rather than substituting anything. You can enjoy the frisson of power play where they control the vibrator and holds it on you.
Many people forget that for women and people with vulvas, our primary pleasure spot is the clitoris, and so while penetrative sex can feel amazing, many positions don’t stimulate the clitoris directly and so this is why so many women don’t climax.
It’s the equivalent of expecting a man to be able to climax just from stimulating his balls.
It can feel great, intimate, and close, but it doesn’t really tip you over the edge. Which I know pretty much somes up so many women’s experience having sex with men.
The great thing about adding a vibrator to sex is that it’s an easy way to stimulate your clit, freeing up yours or your boyfriend’s hands to do other things.
Sex positions to try with sex toys
Any sex position you already do, you can add a vibrator on your clitoris to make it even more pleasurable for you– AND your partner they will feel some of it around their cock and balls too– so it’s a win-win-win for everyone! Hurrahhh!
For example in missionary position or variations of it, when you’re partner is on top of you, you can hold the vibe over your clit. You could also do it with your partner standing at the edge of the bed and you lying flat or them kneeling on the bed, making clitoral stimulation even easier.
Or in doggy position, they penetrate you from behind and either you or they hold the vibe on your clit, or you have it on a pillow.
Or you can try lying on your back with one leg over their shoulder and either they or you hold the vibrator on your clit while they penetrate you. Play around with using your vibe in different positions and which feels most fun.
You could explore an insertable vibrator specifically for penetration, like the We-Vibe, which is hands free making it even easier to use.
Using sex toys on a man
Sex toys aren’t just for women and vulva havers, you can absolutely use vibrators on men too. Ask him if he’s open to trying it, and you may be pleasantly surprised!
For example, you can start with using it over his whole body like a massager, then moving to his nipples, then down to his balls. You could use a vibe on his balls while giving him a handjob or oral sex, or tease it around his shaft and anus too.
You could explore sex toys that are specifically for men and people with penises, like a vibrating cock ring. Again, this double times the pleasure for both of you because you both feel the vibrations.
Anal Play and Butt Plugs
If it feels good for both of you, you could also explore anal play toys like butt plugs or anal beads– for either you or him, or both of you. Because as the folk over at B-Vibe say, “Anal play is for everyone because everybody has a butt!”.
We also say a man’s g-spot is his prostate and many heterosexual men are surprised to find they love receiving anal play too. Many men and people with penises report that a prostate orgasm is a very different experience to a regular penis orgasm. It feels deeper, more powerful, more emotional, and feels like they could just keep going and going.
You could include a butt plug in penetrative sex, and even double time it with a vibrator or suction toy on your clitoris so fully maximise the pleasure.
Just remember the golden rule for any anal play– ONLY insert toys that have a flared base, because the anus can very quickly “suck” up any toys, so a flared base stops this– you don’t want a trip to A&E to interrupt sex together!
And use lots of lube, because the anus doesn’t naturally lubricate.
A final word
One of my favourite sayings about sex toys to men who feel anxious about them is this:
Sex toys do all the hard work for you, while you get all the credit and reward.
They’re also perfect if one or both of you are tired and want to be intimate but don’t have the energy to do your usual magic. Or if one of both of you has a disability, chronic health condition, or any mobility issues.
Is your hand too painful or fatigued to rub a clit? Your trusty vibrator can do it while you kiss/touch/spoon/fuck/insert your play of choice.
I truly believe that using sex toys makes both you and your partner more skilled lovers because they add to your toolkit, they don’t replace anything.
Many of my own personal male friends and colleagues who are sex positive keep a vibrator along with condoms and lube when they’re going on dates or bringing someone back to their place, as standard.
Inspiration, maybe? I hope so.
Vibrators and sex toys are your allies, never, ever your competition.
Enjoy!
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her