The First Time I Watched Porn with a Group of Strangers
If you’ve ever felt uncomfortable about porn, think that porn is evil, and that it’s terrible, I want to tell you a story about what changed my mind and what sparked my passion for talking about the topic of porn.
The first time I watched porn in a group of strangers was May 2016 for my first SAR training as part of my sex coach training.
If you’re reading this feeling horrified, let me assure you that I had never, ever, ever done something like this before!
Nooooo no no. I was a good girl, remember?
Sure, I’d watched porn on my own. My usage was probably similar to most people, where wou secretly log into the tube sites, keep the volume on as low as possible, keep an ear out for anybody walking past the bedroom incase they hear you, then as soon as you cum, quickly close the window and clear browser history.
I had felt that mixture of arousal, disgust, curiosity, and shame at seeing explicit content that I couldn’t really tell anybody else about.
Like most people, my porn habits were a secret that I wasn’t about to share on Facebook. I’ll share why this matters so much at the end of this post.
Now back to 2016.
How it began
There I was, in a room in a house in a quiet residential area of Warsaw, watching various montages of different porn.
At first I felt awkward, then it just felt… normal.
Some of the content was highly arousing, some of it was weird, some of it was shocking, some of it was nice to look at but not particularly arousing, some of it was like looking at art, and some of it completely turned me off.
I noticed myself going through all the different feelings. Horny, curious, awkward, uncomfortable, bored, interested, horny again, then bored again.
Part of the process was then breaking into small groups and talking about how we felt, what came up for us, and how it affected us.
We talked about the clips we liked, the clips that we didn’t like, what we felt about the performers and the content, how we would feel if a client described it, and how it felt to watch arousing content in a room while you were horny.
Yes, we talked about how it felt to be turned on!
We talked about our own secret fantasies openly, and had them affirmed. We laughed about some of our weird fetishes, the weird stuff we’d seen in a montage, and funny sex anecdotes.
And do you know what the biggest takeaway was?
I was NORRRMALL!
That it was OK to get horny, it was completely OK to talk about my own turn-on’s and desires, that I was allowed to be a sexual being.
The relief I felt was indescribable.
No more sexual shame
I had no idea how much shame I was still carrying in my body around sexuality. Being in an environment where I was given a big fat permission slip to be aroused, to also not be aroused, to like things, and to not like things, felt like a massive weight had been lifted off of my shoulder.
It was OK to have weird and “perverted” fantasies! They didn’t make me weird or wrong, they are just part of the glorious spectrum of human sexuality.
It was OK to be turned on by lots of different things! It was OK to also get turned off! I didn’t have to like everything!
I wasn’t a pervert, I wasn’t weird, I wasn’t dirty, I wasn’t a freak.
I was a normal, divine, healthy human being. I could remove the metaphorical scarlet letter from my forehead.
I could be me, I could express my sexuality in my own unique and authentic way, and also be affirming of others without having to be into it too.
By the end of that weekend training in Warsaw, I felt a unique kind of calm as though I had done a week long meditation retreat.
The woman who walked into that room was not the same woman who walked out.
What I’ve done since then
Since that first SAR training, I have taken 3 more, and I have gone to other porn festivals and events. Each time I have learned and taken away something different. I have met lots of interesting people, had avid discussions and debates, and learned more about myself, my biases, and my own taboos.
Now, whenever people talk about porn and describe it as evil, or talk about having a problematic relationship with porn, I will recommend either taking a SAR, going to a porn festival, or any kind of event where you can watch it and then talk about it with others.
Why you should try it too
Yes, I mean I recommend watching porn with a group of people.
Ideally, you would go to a live event because then you can meet people, chat, and often meet performers and speak to them as real human beings.
It may feel incredibly weird or scary at first, I know, and you will feel ALL of the feelings.
You may feel horny.
You may feel turned off and squicked out.
You may feel confused.
You may feel curious.
You may feel bored.
You may feel embarrassed.
You may feel excited.
You will probably discover a turn on you never knew you had.
And you’ll probably feel all of these in turn.
That’s the point!
When you can process how you feel about it with others and talk about your own desires and turn ons, it takes the bite of shame, confusion, and stigma out of sex and desire.
Think about and feel into the following questions:
- What would it be like for you if you were allowed to like what you like?
- What would it feel like to have absolute permission to express the fullness of your eros and sexuality?
- What would it feel like to have absolute permission to like what you like and not like what you don’t like?
- How would your interactions with your partner/s or future partner/s change?
- What would you ask for?
- What would you say YES to?
- What would you say NO to?
Our attitudes towards porn are a reflection of our own relationship with sex
The porn industry absolutely has a lot of problems, which is why I advocate finding alternative porn sites and sources. But it is also a reflection of our own internalized shame and taboos around eros and sexuality.
Many concerns that come with porn usage stem not just from the content itself, but how you feel about it and use it.
When you have to keep your desires a secret, when you aren’t allowed to be turned on and want what you want (either from your culture, your religion, your family, or past traumatic experiences), it’s the perfect storm for people to get hurt.
A colleague of mine, Galen Fous, who specializes in kink and “sex addiction”, coined a new term for people who are struggling with compulsive sexual behaviours.
He calls it “Sexual Authenticity Disorder”. When you cannot be authentic about who you are and what you want sexually, this then manifests in problematic behaviour and distress.
I want to finish this post by reminding you of something I tell my clients:
You do not have to like or be into every single kind of porn or sexual expression. Nor should you.
LOUDER AT THE BACK!
A key part of sexual literacy is knowing what you do NOT like and setting a boundary.
And also be mindful that your preferences can change, and that’s ok too.
What do you think? Have you taken a SAR training or been to a porn festival? What was your experience? If you haven’t, would you consider it?
Tell me in the comments below.
If you want specialized support to embrace pleasure, your authentic sexual self, and releasing sexual shame to create connected relationships, learn more about how you can work with me here.
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Buy my e-book, Rekindle The Sexy Spark in Your Relationship.
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Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her