How many times have you Googled, “How to boost my libido”? Or something similar?
Because this is THEEE most common question/concern I get through the sex coaching sessions I offer through The Lowdown.
How to my boost libido, how to revive my libido after coming off or starting new hormonal birth control, how to get my sex drive back 5 years together with 3 kids, how to revive my libido while menopause is kicking my arse, how to spice it up in bed when we’re bored of each other?!
If this is you, you probably resonate with frantic Googling late at night when you’re at your wit’s end after yet another row. Or with trying various herbs and supplements, buying new lingerie, buying a jade egg or crystal wand, having acupuncture, speaking to your therapist, seeing various doctors and gynecologists.
These are all things my clients have tried, and while some things may have absolutely helped, but it didn’t get to the root of it.
Trying all of the above could help, by the way. I am not dogmatic at all, different things work for different people at different times AND YET… I still stand by what I will say next.
While every woman/vulva haver who comes to me has a very different situation– they could be married, in a long term relationship, with young kids, older kids, teenagers, no kids, dating, open relationship, divorced, widowed, various ages and different backgrounds, trauma histories– SOOOO MUCH– my response is usually very similar.
Want to know what it is?
It’s this: You’re asking the wrong question.
Why your sex drive isn’t what you think it is
Because it was never about your libido– and how do you define what libido is anyway? Is it an, “urge”? Is it a physical feeling? An emotional feeling? A thought? Your, “sex drive”?
Come on, let’s get really specific what “libido” means to you, and if waiting for this unspecified-horrrrny-feeling is going to ALSO mean you have satisfying sex?
(Spoiler alert: No it won’t. Cyndi Darnell, in her book, “Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It”, brilliantly says that waiting for your libido is a very unreliable way of having great sex.)
No. Having great sex that feels good to you, where you feel satisfied and connected, with orgasms, and where you want to have much more of it is VERY different for looking to boost your libido.
For the women and vulva havers to come to me with low libido or where the desire is mismatched in their relationships– usually their partner constantly has the horn and they feel like they are constantly batting them away– it’s about pleasure and desire.
How you cultivate pleasure, how you know what feels good and what doesn’t, what you’re tolerating, and how you turn yourself on.
To get started, I’ve written some journalling or self-enquiry prompts for you to start thinking about.
You could journal them or ponder them when you’re on a walk, in the bath, or whatever else you do to reflect. Take them, use them, reflect on them.
12 journalling prompts to start exploring what turns you on instead of trying to, “boost your libido”
1. What turns me on? Or: How do I turn myself on?
2. What makes me feel sexy?
3. What makes me come alive?
4. What kind of touch do I love to receive?
5. What kind of touch do I love to give?
6. What shuts me down sexually?
7. What makes me feel most connected to my body?
8. If I took “traditional” sex off the menu, what intimacy would I loooooove?
9. Am I getting enough rest? If not, what practical things do I need to do to get more?
10. What am I currently resentful about and what powerful steps could I take to meet my needs?
Your libido doesn't need to be "fixed", you need connection
Stop thinking about your libido and sex drive– and indeed, you not wanting to have sex– as something to be, “fixed”, because it doesn’t.
Let’s work on what ACTUALLY feels good to you instead and reconnect with your own pleasure.
I help women and vulva owners reconnect with their bodies, gently melt shame, and awaken desire in my coaching programs.
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her