Why You Don’t Have A Sexual Dysfunction

Do you really have a sexual dysfunction? Here’s why I say you absolutely don’t and what could be going on instead.

When people look on Google or are looking for help, they will either diagnose themselves or be diagnosed with a “sexual dysfunction”. This term is what is known as the older medical model of working with sexuality, and it is used by many sex therapists and medical professionals today.

If you Google, “Sexual Dysfunction”, you’ll find a whole list of things that can go wrong and doctors and therapists who say they help with it.

The term itself was initially helpful, as it created a framework for therapists and professionals to actually help their patients, but now we have progressed enough to move past this.

While it can be helpful to use the label “sexual dysfunction” in order to get help- especially if getting the bill paid by insurance requires a diagnosis- I want to explain why it is actually not helping you at all- especially in a patriarchal and racist system.

Words and language matter, and the word, “dysfunction”, immediately makes you think that it means something is “wrong” with you, and it’s a medical problem.

The concept of, “Female Sexual Dysfunction”, is particularly dated, as women and those assigned female at birth (AFAB) already experience higher discrimination and disbelief in the medical system. Think of this as a modern-day version of being diagnosed with “hysteria”.

You probably are thinking this and have asked yourself frantically, “What the f*ck is wrong with me?!!”

But do you have a dysfunction? No, you absolutely don’t.

Here are just a few things that it could be instead- and this is primarily aimed at women and people with vulvas.

What Could Be The Problem Instead

• Poor sex education or none at all (Shoutout to those who got Abstinence Only and you’d be ruining yourself if you had sex before marriage!)
• You never understood what hits your brakes and accelerators so you think there’s something wrong with you when really, you just need to find your turn on.
• You were never encouraged to explore your sexuality in the first place or were taught that it’s important and or that it was yours to begin with.
• You were never taught that your body belongs to you and you get to choose who you allow in.
• You were taught that vulvas are disgusting, ugly and smelly, and you never formed a loving relationship with it.
• You were never taught or encouraged to self-pleasure to find out what works for you, what you like, and how you like it.
• You’ve got chronic vulvar pain that makes penetration painful and uncomfortable.
• Your body has changed- either you’ve gained weight or lost weight, you’ve had surgery, you have a chronic illness or disability- and you don’t feel sexy anymore or comfortable being naked.
• You and your partner aren’t getting on at the moment and you really don’t like them, let alone want to have sex with them.
• Your partner has betrayed your trust and you don’t feel emotionally safe with them anymore, which means you don’t want to have sex with them.
• Your partner has a completely different sex drive to you, with different desires that just don’t work for you and turn you off.
• Your partner has a sky high libido and you feel like the gatekeeper. Think Gandalf standing with a staff yelling, “You shall not pass!”.

Here are some other examples:

Maybe it’s because you’re stuck in a marriage, relationship or family dynamic where you are taking care of everybody but yourself? Where you are running the full ship and working in the ship, and you have no energy at the end of the day, but then when hubby or wifey or partner puts their hand around your shoulder, you flinch because you have nothing left to give?

Maybe it’s because you are somebody who just gives and gives and gives and gives because it’s how you feel valued and you never learned how to ask for what you want? Because you were never taught that what you want matters and that you are ALLOWED to ask for it? So in sex, you just focus on what your partner wants and you can’t voice what you want.

(Read this post about being allowed to ask for what you want.)

Maybe you are carrying years of internalized homophobia, biphobia, and shame around your sexuality and who you are attracted to so that you are in a perpetual state of freeze?

Maybe were brought up in Purity Culture or a Faith community where you were taught that sex is dirty, wrong, and sinful and you’ll be punished in hell for having it outside of marriage? You were taught that if you reveal just one inch of your neckline, you are tempting your brothers in Christ and it is wrong? So you police your body and how you move just so you’re not in any way sensual or erotic, and anything sexual or erotic causes you to go into freeze?

(Listen to this podcast interview with Kristen Thomas about Policing Our Bodies in Purity Culture and Diet Culture)

Maybe you were in an abusive relationship before where sex became a power game and this fear still lives on in your body. Where you were never given any agency, it became toxic and mixed up with control and abuse, and where you couldn’t say no, so that anything sexual became all polluted?

Don’t forget that we all live in a culture where female sexuality is taboo, wrong, and bad, where if you dress in a certain way it means you’re a slut who was asking for it. But sex toys and female sexual pleasure are still taboo topics that are banned from Facebook, yet it is completely acceptable to run ads and talk about erectile dysfunction.

Bad Sex Education, Sex Negative Culture, and What Happened To You

I can think of a myriad of other reasons and story, and not one of them is a “sexual dysfunction”, but due to what has happened to you somewhere along the line, traumatic experiences, how you were socialized, society’s beliefs about gender, how we are socialized around body image, physical ability, poor sex education, how you are treated on your race and ethnicity, the culture you grew up in, access to childcare, access to healthcare, what support you have around you, and so much more.

What is affecting you and your sexuality is the result of the world you live in and come from.

You can apply this concept to anything that is classed as a “dysfunction”, and how we think about and classify mental illness, neurodiversity, and more.

It’s much bigger than you and it is not your own fault or because there is something wrong with you. However, it is then your prerogative to do something about it, and then choose to do different for the people who will come after you.

I always tell my clients that when you do the healing work for yourself, it inevitably ripples out to those around you. Piece by piece, we are helping heal the sexual and erotic wounding that the collective holds.

Many of my clients both past and present are mothers who want their daughters’ and children’s sexual experiences to be better than theirs. They want to role model healthy sexuality, feeling good about their bodies, and normalizing talking about bodies, sex, and genitals.

And I bloody love it!

When I work with clients- either 1:1 or in The Shameless Woman, one part of our work is deconstructing your sexual story and everything you were taught. Think of it like detective work, where we are investigating what makes you you, and everything that contributes to how you think and feel about your sexuality today.

Clients have said that actually focusing on their sexuality versus sex with their partner is illuminating because they’ve never thought about their own sexuality as a thing that belonged to them before.

Remember that for most women and those socialized as women- we are taught to only think about sex and sexuality in the context of a relationship, never for ourselves.

What would change if you shifted that focus to yourself? How would you feel about sex differently when you knew on a deep level that your sexuality is YOURS first, before your partner’s? Would sex stop feeling like a duty and start feeling like joyful and ecstatic exploration instead?

If you’re a woman or vulva owner who is so ready to create a new sexual and erotic life for yourself, so that intimacy is a joyful and delicious experience rather than a chore, then let’s work together.

I specialize in helping you gently let go of shame and claim your erotic birthright. I especially love working with women from faith backgrounds where intimacy has been a real issue in your relationship or marriage.

Learn how we can work together right here.

LET’S STAY IN TOUCH

Want specialized support to embrace pleasure, your authentic sexual self, and releasing sexual shame to create connected relationships? Learn more about how you can work with me here.

Download your free audio training on sexual communication.

Buy my e-book, Rekindle The Sexy Spark in Your Relationship.

Join my free Facebook group for women, The Shameless Woman FREE Group

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