How to Start Loving Your Vulva

Let me tell you a story about this mirror that belonged to my maternal grandmother, and how it can help you love your vulva more.

Intruiged? Read on!

My grandmother’s name was Patricia, and she died before I was born. More specifically, she died a month before my mum became pregnant with me, of ovarian cancer. I’m told I look a lot like her, and like my other grandmother too, who was called Betty.

My grandmother was half German and half Persian. She grew up in the 1930s and 40s at a time when Britain hated foreigners, so her family had to pretend to be as English as possible to escape the scrutiny of being different.

She married my grandad who came from a quintessentially English family, the aspiring middle class who were trying to better themselves. They were also incredibly English in their attitudes around emotions and politeness.

For my grandmother Patricia, this was a challenge as she had a very German attitude of speaking her mind, speaking frankly, and being headstrong.

I believe that inherit ancestral wounding and for women, it’s often passed down through the mother line, as it has been for me. I find it synchronicity that my grandmother died of ovarian cancer, my mother had difficulty conceiving me, we have the BRCA gene in the family a few years ago, and now I work with SEX!

So, what about my grandmother’s mirror?

A few years ago at my first Tantra retreat, we did a powerful exercise of gazing at our vulvas in a mirror.

It was the first time I could see how beautiful it was. All the folds of skin, the different colours, and the arrangement of my lips. It also brought up lots of different emotions because it was the first time I had actually looked at my vulva and taken the time to explore it.

It felt disconcerting and strange, and there were still remnants of shame lingering. This exercise wasn’t easy for some other women, and there were sobs in the room.

Since then, I’ve done this exercise many more times on retreats and I’ve witnessed a whole range of emotions in the women that have done it: joy, delight, giggling, grief, shame, tears, sadness, and shutdown.

I find it heartbreaking that many women still cannot look at their vulvas, or have never looked at their vulvas before. I also find it sad that many women still cannot touch their vulva with their fingers without triggering strong emotions.

Every woman/vulva owner has a story with our vulvas. From the first time you discover your clitoris, to puberty, menstruation, sexual experiences (both consensual and non-consensual), orgasms, pleasure, childbirth, health concerns, and more.

Remember that most cultures still have a general disgust around vulvas. You rarely see them depicted in the media, there is a common myth that they are smelly and disgusting, and for many girls and womxn, they are taught to just not “go there” and keep it hidden.

Is it any surprise that so many womxn feel numb and disconnected from their vulvas?

Back to the tantra retreat and my grandmother’s mirror.

At the end of the exercise, they invited us to get our own mirror specifically for looking at our vulvas. I first thought of just any old random hand mirror, until I had a flash of inspiration.

What about my grandmother’s mirror, stored at my parents’ house?

Somehow it felt right, as I often feel I take after my grandmother even though I never met her.

Fun sex ed fact: Did you know that you inherit your genital shape from your parents? Yes! In the same way that you inherit your other physical features- like your nose, your chin, the shape of your boobs or bum- you inherit your genital shape too.

I never saw either of my grandmothers’ vulvas, but I do wonder which one I take after. I think of this mirror as a way of sending love up through my own mother line and honouring where I come from.

I teach all my clients and the womxn on my programs to look at their vulvas, and to make it a regular practise. It’s a way to connect to your innate wholeness, wellness, and pleasure.

Do you have a vulva mirror? Would you get one? Do tell me in the comments below.

P.S. If you want to heal your relationship with your body and sexuality and release the bucketloads of shame you inherited, check out The Shameless Woman Immersion here. It’s an intensive 7 month deep dive in a group of women to uncover your sexual and erotic blockages to transform your intimate relationships for life.

Learn more here.