What do you do when you’ve tried self-pleasuring, you’ve bought the toys, you’ve tried the yoni eggs, you’ve done the stuff, and yet you STILL don’t feel… anything?
Or you may feel a little tingle or tickle, like spreading warmth, but that’s it?
Or your orgasms feel like a sneeze?
Or all you feel is pain?
Let’s explore it, because it is actually, very common for women and pussy havers.
This is pretty much what I tell all my clients and women in my group programs, so let’s go.
[Read more: What I Honestly Think About Crystal Sex Toys and Yoni Eggs]
First, check if there is anything physically wrong- get yourself checked by a medical professional to rule out anything physical.
For complex vulvar and vaginal pain, you will need to put your foot down and insist on a comprehensive check, diagnosis, and treatment if necessary. Don’t let yourself be fobbed off, gaslit, or told to “just have a glass of wine and relax”.
You can get more support from these places:
You can use these principles alongside any treatment and physio that you have.
Certain medications can also be affecting your response- mainly SSRI antidepressants, antipsychotics, antihistamines, blood pressure medication, and for some women/pussy havers, some forms of hormonal contraception.
FOR GODDESS’S SAKE: DO NOT STOP TAKING YOUR MEDS WITHOUT MEDICAL SUPERVISION!
If you’re sure that your meds have something to do with it, consult your GP or doctor to discuss alternative methods. However, I assure you that it is absolutely possible to regain sensation even on medication, it just needs some more practice.
If there is nothing physically wrong (and to be honest, even when there is, too), it’s time to get familiar with trauma theory and how your nervous system is responding.
Numbness and/or physical pain are often symptoms of what is known as Deep Freeze, or Dorsal Vagal. In a very brief nutshell, due to various circumstances that have happened- and this includes general sex shaming messages that women and pussy havers receive, and the effects of Purity Culture- the emotional toll has been too much and your autonomic nervous system has taken over to keep you safe and alive.
It’s a very old threat detection mechanism that has evolved over thousands of years. And it’s worked, because you’re alive! Hurrah! Your body has done such an amazing job at keeping you alive!
Please don’t punch me, I know you’re furious at your body and your pussy right now.
BUT… Can you thank your body for doing that? It may have been misguided, but it was only doing what it has evolved to do over thousands of years.
What would it be like to start to trust your body that it only wants the best for you?
“Thank you so much body, for trying to keep me safe.”
Second, know that not being able to feel anything is actually feeling something. No seriously, hear me out! When you are aware that all you feel is nothing or numbness, that is actually being able to feel- what you feel is nothing and numbness.
As difficult as it may feel, can you stay with that? Hang out with the nothingness and numbness?
Because in that nothing and numbness, there is actually well of emotion and energy, but in order to start to release it, you need to create safety.
Think about it- this built up as a fear response, trying to bully it out will have the opposite effect.
“So, howww do I create more safety so I can have an orgasm/have sex without it hurting??”
Here are some practical ideas to help you create more safety
- Practise daily orienting. Orienting is a very simple neurosensory exercise that helps to tell your survival brain that it is safe now, and helps you land in the present moment. To do it, take your eyes away from this screen and take a slow look around the room you’re in or your environment, slowly turning your head. Let your eyes be drawn to whatever they are drawn to, and open up your field of vision. Try this any time you feel stressed, ungrounded, or overwhelmed.
- Body massage. You can do this after a bath or shower, or any time you want, and take some gorgeous smelling body cream and give yourself a slow, sensual massage. Touch your body as you would somebody you deeply love and care about. Make sure you include your breasts and belly, breathing deeply and savouring the sensations.
- Vulva massage. Take a mirror and a plain oil or balm- like coconut oil, jojoba oil, olive oil, or a product specifically designed for vulvas. Slowly and lovingly massage your vulva, taking all the time you need. Touch your vulva with love, care, and nurturing, savouring and celebrating each movement. Have no agenda other than nurturing and love, the goal here is to give to your vulva rather than try to extract anything.
- Vulva gazing and mapping. Look at your vulva in a mirror- as in really look. Name all the parts, get really familiar with your territory. Gaze at it’s glory and magnificence. Send love and appreciation there. Slowly using your fingers, explore where your hot spots are and where the numbness is.
- Belly breathing. When you’re self-pleasuring, during partner sex, vulva massage, and/or any time you notice yourself feeling activated and anxious, take a few slow deep breaths into your belly.
- Take a breath. A simple practise throughout the day, to take a breath. Just one breath, as a way of interrupting yourself and stress patterns.
- Affirmations. What are you telling yourself about your vulva and your sexuality? Write out some glorious, sex positive, erotic positive affirmations for yourself and stick them somewhere you can see.
- Vulva positivity. Look for ways to celebrate vulvas, like finding vulva art, going to a creative workshop celebrating vulvas (I sometimes run workshops to make vulva art, and my friend, Stephanie Crechriou runs Vulva needle felting workshops in Brighton. Follow her on Instagram here.
- Warmth. It may sound a bit weird, but hear me out. From a warm shower head, to vulva sunning. What you’ve never heard of vulva sunning? Babe, you’re missing out! Find a private spot where you can lie with your vulva exposed to the sun. Like a spot in your home by the window, or if you can or feel brave enough to, a private place in your garden or outdoors. Breathe deeply and imagine the sun’s rays warming you all the way up from your vulva to your heart. Nude sunbathing absolutely counts. Obviously, be mindful of sunburn so use your judgement for how long you do this.
- Start saying, “no”, more often. What’s your relationship like with your boundaries in general? Where are you overriding your needs and putting other people’s needs before your own? What toxic or unhealthy situations do you need to remove yourself from?
[Read more: How To Have An Empowered Pelvic Exam]
Give Your Vulva Some Love
I hate to break it to you, but you need to slow down and start making friends with your body and your vulva.
Send your vulva some love, because she/it really needs it.
Think of your vulva as having a brain of its own, a voice of its own, an energy of its own.
What if you could decide that from now on, you will treat her/it with unconditional love, patience, and kindness?
If you were trying to soothe a frightened kitten that is hiding in a corner, trembling and hissing, (pun intended), what would you do?
You give it patience and love, and let it know that you’re here.
You wouldn’t demand anything from it, just let it know that it is safe and you are a safe human to be with.
*Hiss Hiss Meow Meow* “It’s ok, I’m still here, my love, there there.”
Place one hand on your vulva and another on your heart. Imagine sending unconditional love and acceptance there.
Know that you can create the safety that your body and your vulva need, it’s already there.
Because you are an adult, you have choice, you have agency, you now get to choose what you do with your vulva and who you share it with.
Ready to go deeper?
Buy my e-course, Self Pleasuring and Orgasms For Women and Pussy Havers here.
Ready to start having the sex and pleasure you deeply want to be having? I work with highly motivated, empathic, and curious women and pussy havers who are so ready to shed the shame and have ALL the joy instead
Who want to celebrate your sexuality, so that sex becomes a place of fun, play, delight, and deep connection.
Click here to learn about working together 1:1. and fill out the application form. If I feel we’re the right fit, we’ll book a call. If not, I’ll happily refer you on or give recommendations.
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her