Estimated reading time: 35-40 minutes for the entire thing. You can dip in and out and choose what you want to read first.
Think of this as a 101, your ultimate guide, your-all-in-one by a sex expert of WHY you have low libido, WHAT is actually means, and then most importantly– what you can bloody well DO about it! It’s completely free, my gift to you.
The best part? Everything is no-nonsense and easy to understand. Taking the mystery and guesswork out of your search to get your sex drvie back.
This is a long read because I wanted to pack it full of value, free of charge. You don’t need to read it all at once, instead just pick the parts that call you.
Check the table of contents right here and then scroll down to the parts you want 👇🏻
Table of Contents
Want a shorter read? Read my blog post “Help! I’ve lost my libido!”
In all of the conversations I’ve sat in with women and vulva owners about having a low libido, one of the biggest issues that comes up for them is a feeling that it’s a huge mountain that is impossible to climb, a giant mess that’s just too overwhelming so why not just give up now and become a nun? Or just resign yourself to an unhappy relationship where sex will always be a problem and that’s just life?
I want to tell you now: it does not have to be this way and it is absolutely workable.
In fact, one of the most common responses I get from clients is that I make it just so much easier and much more pleasurable than they ever realized, and that their sex drive was actually much more reachable than their anxious minds were telling them.
Another heads up: this post will dive into some of the complexity of low libido. If you were looking for a simple “5 ways to boost your libido” checklist, this is not it AND I’m confident you’ll understand why.
Because what affects your sex drive is far more than just your hormones, feeling stressed, your contraception, or because you’re not taking the right supplements.
It’s about what you actually want, what you actually like, understanding the role of stress and trauma, unlearning people pleasing patterns, and coming home to YOU. As a delicious, sexy, desirable erotic being.
If nothing else, I hope this post helps you stop beating yourself up or gaslighting yourself that it’s all your fault.
Ready to get deep? Let’s go!
What does low libido in women actually mean?
Having a low libido means that you have a low or even no interest in having sex, and your overall sexual desire is low. In medical terms, it’s known as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD), which also includes having an absence of sexual fantasies too. However, before you diagnose yourself with anything, know that it’s highly subjective and I hope by the end of this article you’ll realize you don’t have a “dysfunction” at all, but completely logical.
I’m not going to quantify it by the amount of times you “should” be wanting to have sex or even having it– because I’ll bet you’ve probably Googled how many times you “should” be having sex per month in order to have a healthy relationship, which made you feel even worse.
Let’s throw that shit out right now.
What I will say is that if it’s enough to cause you distress, where it’s significantly dropped, or it’s causing issues in your relationship, this is when it’s time to seek help. And hurrah, you’re here and you are!
Three vitally important things to remember about your low sexual desire:
1. Fluctuations in your sexual desire is completely and utterly normal. NORMAL!
Whether it’s down to your menstrual cycle, hormone changes, energy levels, the stage you’re at in your relationship, or just… life? Today in 2025 when we’re facing a clusterfuck of issues both globally and probably in your personal life too?
Some people tie themselves up in knots because they compare themselves to the raging horniness of their teens and twenties, or when they first got together with their partner and the honeymoon period meant you couldn’t get enough of each other.
2. Having a low sex drive does not mean that you don’t love your partner, you’re not attracted to your partner, or you don’t have a good relationship.
Multiple things can be true at the same time, and it could also be that your relationship has turned into a more “housemates” or “coparents” situation instead of lovers.
3. If somebody tells you that you should have sex with your partner so that they won’t leave you or cheat on you, ignore them.
If they’re a therapist, coach, or doctor, fire them. If it was your pastor in Church– boy oh boy is that hiding a load of coercion in their marriage that you do NOT want to have in yours. It not only adds to the pressure and makes you feel worse– because you’ve probably done enough “duty sex” in your time– it’s completely inaccurate and stinks of repackaged purity culture and patriarchy.
In my work, we focus on reclaiming your body and sexuality as your own first. Something you get to delightfully share with your lover as a mutually wonderful thing– but ultimately, it’s YOURS first.
Repeat after me: You. Do. Not. Owe. Your. Body. To. Anybody. Even your partner/husband/boyfriend.
Why Googling “Boost My Libido” Isn’t Helping You
If you’ve ever typed “boost my libido” into Google at 2am, wondering what’s wrong with you and why you can’t get yourself in the mood for sex, you’re not alone.
If you’re on this page, it’s probably because you’ve done this already! I’m guessing the top results suggested things like supplements, foods, herbs, or quick hacks. You also might have gone to your doctor to see if there’s a medication you can take or stop taking– just something SOMETHINNGGG to change it?
The thing is, your low libido isn’t caused by a vitamin deficiency, just because you can’t shift the baby weight and don’t feel sexy anymore, or because you’re not trying hard enough. It’s not about adding more maca powder to your smoothie or buying sexy new lingerie (even if I’m a big fan of both of these in the right context.)
While people use the term “sex drive”, “desire”, and “libido” interchangeably, there are actually subtle differences.
For now, I want you to take the idea that your libido or even your sex drive as something just physiological that is out of your control and either comes and goes like the weather… and throw it out.
Because your libido– or let’s reframe this as your desire to get sexy and do sexy things either by yourself or with your partner (or with that hot tattooed bloke at the gym or that butch masc with a lip ring and swagger at Starbucks)– isn’t just physical.
Nor is it just hormonal, just mindset, or how attracted you are to your partner. It’s a combination of lots of things.
Instead, I want to invite you to reframe your libido like a canary in the coalmine.
It’s alerting you to something that needs care, love, and connection. Not more beating yourself up for being a failure and being mad at your body for not cooperating, ok?
Listen to this podcast episode on why have I lost my libido?
Read my blog post on why Googling “How to boost my libido” is the wrong question to ask and what you need to ask instead– including 12 journaling prompts to get started.
15 Real Reasons Your Libido Might Be Low (That Has Nothing To Do With You Being “Broken”)
Yes we’re going there, yes it’s in-depth and I make no apology for it. Take this as your big fat permission slip that you are NOT BROKEN.
You’re welcome.
1. Stress and Burnout
Let’s start with the most obvious. Prolonged chronic stress and potentially burnout are no joke, and living in the world today with one crisis happening after another– or rather gigantic world crises unfolding at the same time as crises happening in your own world– you would be inhuman if you weren’t feeling it.
On a purely physiological level, stress and burnout mean that your body is in survival mode. And when bodies are in survival mode, they don’t prioritize pleasure. Think about it, if you’re trying to run away from a sabre toothed tiger, wanting to have sex isn’t really on the cards right now.
Chronic stress—whether from work, parenting, or emotional overload— not only directly suppresses sexual desire, but plays havoc with all your other hormones that also influence your sexual desire too.
2. Your Contraception
This is another super common reason. Many women and vulva owners experience a dip in libido when on hormonal contraception. It can blunt sexual desire, impact mood, and dull the body’s natural arousal signals. For some people, it changes when they come off it or change to a different one, for others, the sexual side effects linger even after changing.
Every person is different and interacts with medication differently, and it’s highly frustrating that many people report their doctors dismissing them when they report negative side effects of taking the pill.
Alas even in 2025, there is still no comprehensive test that will show which person will react badly to which form of hormonal contraception.
(It’s not because they can’t do it, by the way, it’s because there’s been no interest or incentive to put money and research behind it. Believe me, if new technology and surgical techniques can come out every year to help men get boners, there is money and knowledge to figure this shit out. Go figure.)
If you want to do your homework, you can go to the website The Lowdown which is a women’s health review platform. They have a section where users have reviewed the contraception they have used, so you can see if your experience matches up with anybody else. View it here.
3. Menopause and Hormonal Shifts
The menopause is a huge transition in a woman’s life that very few of us actually received any education about. The hormonal shifts of dropping estrogen and testosterone during perimenopause and menopause creates significant changes— not just physically but emotionally, and for many people, spiritually too.
Symptoms can include less natural lubrication, increased vaginal dryness (leading potentially to vaginal atrophy if not properly managed), mood swings, hot flushes, more weight gain around your belly. For many people it can be a time when your usual coping and masking strategies no longer work, when you have to rethink your patterns of overgiving, overcompensating, taking care of everybody else, and ignoring your own needs.
Add in ageism and seeing older women as invisible, it makes complete sense that your desire for sex and generally feeling desirable can plummet.
Remember, all is not lost! This is absolutely not the end of intimacy but the beginning of a brand new chapter to explore your sensual self.
4. Religious or Faith Background (absolutely includes purity culture)
If you were raised in a religious or conservative faith tradition that emphasized sexual “purity”, abstinence (which absolutely includes masturbation) or any kind of messaging around sexual “sin”, it’s likely that you absorbed messages that now live in your body as shame.
Even if you left the faith or deconstructed your beliefs, and even after Church-sanctioned heterosexual marriage where now the ring is on your finger so technically it should be a free for all, it doesn’t matter.
Your body can still carry the imprint of shame and it’s completely normal to still carry internal conflict about wanting or enjoying sex. It’s not just in your head— it’s your body and nervous system too. They have been wired to associate sexuality with danger or guilt.
Healing this involves slowly rewriting the narrative and learning that pleasure can be life giving, safe, and deeply goooood.
One of my specialties is working with women and vulva owners from Faith backgrounds and/or purity culture.
You can also listen to the episode where I debunk the concept of “soul ties” here.
5. Past Trauma
It’s not just sexual trauma—it could be from your childhood, a past relationship, medical, or birth-related trauma— all of it can impact your capacity for desire.
Trauma teaches the body to be on guard and brace for danger, while arousal and pleasure requires the opposite: safety, surrender, and openness. You might “want to want” sex, but find your body freezing or shutting down, and I want you to know that this is completely normal. This isn’t failure, it’s actually your body doing what it’s designed to do which is try to protect you.
With time, specialist support, and tools to help you make your body a safer space again, it is absolutely possible to reconnect to pleasure in a way that feels empowering and choiceful.
6. Antidepressants and Medications
Unfortunately, many common medications— but particularly SSRIs and medication used to treat anxiety and depression— can dramatically reduce libido, delay orgasm, or dull sensation. It’s highly frustrating that many doctors do not tell patients of this side effect when putting you on this medication, which sometimes can be more distressing than the anxiety or depression itself.
If you’re on these meds and noticed a shift in desire, it’s not in your head, it’s real.
However this does NOT mean you have to choose between mental health and intimacy either. It may mean exploring alternatives, different dosage, or exploring other practices that help you feel more connected to your erotic self.
Listen to this podcast episode on how not to lose your sex life in SSRIs here.
Read my blog post on what to do if your libido dropped while taking antidepressants.
7. Your Mental Health
If we go back to the analogy that your libido is like the canary in the coalmine, alerting you to the fact that something needs attention— it could be a sign that your mental health isn’t doing well. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, or something more serious, it’s no surprise that your libido could take a hit.
Babe, absolutely no shame here. I’m a veteran of psychiatrists and mental health myself. And it’s shit that not only can bad mental health impact your libido, but also some antidepressants to treat it too.
8. Having a Baby and Postpartum
After birth, your body is flooded with hormones that prioritize bonding and caretaking— not arousal. Add in the exhaustion, night feeds, still feeling sore or maybe you tore, and identity shifts, and it’s no wonder your desire can feel like a distant memory.
Many new mums feel a deep disconnect from their erotic identity, and that’s OK. This is a tender season that requires patience, support, and permission to reclaim sensuality at your own pace with zero pressure to get back in the sack just because the doctor said you can after 6 weeks.
Listen to this podcast episode on how your body says “YES” and the impossible paradoxes of motherhood, with me and Lisa Rombach here.
9. Relationship Conflict or Emotional Distance
Your libido and emotional safety are intimately linked. Maybe you knew this already or you need a reminder, but it’s completely ok to not have any desire for sex if you’re feeling deep resentment towards your partner.
Desire doesn’t flourish in resentment, unexpressed anger, or not feeling seen. If you’re feeling emotionally disconnected, unseen, or unappreciated in your relationship, your body is unlikely to crave intimacy.
It could also be that for you, you need emotional closeness to fully open up sexually.
Remember that libido is deeply relational—and when your nervous system doesn’t feel safe or valued, it can shut down desire as a protective mechanism. Addressing emotional closeness, communication, and exploring conflict resolution can have a bigger impact on your sex life than any supplement ever could.
10. You've become like roommates, not lovers
Maybe when you first got together, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Just thinking about them made you gush. But then over time, life got in the way. You’ve got kids, work got busy, financial pressures kicked in. Before you know it, romantic dates and holding hands got replaced by coordinating babysitting and cooking schedules.
You stopped flirting with each other and making time to be intimate. Sex has become a thing where they wake you up with a morning boner in your back, or a hand on your boob last thing at night when you just want to sleep.
You miss feeling excited and turned on, you miss the effort you both made.
Is it any surprise you’re not turned on anymore?
11. Not Understanding Your Own Desire
We live in a culture that teaches women to please others—but rarely teaches us how our own desire and pleasure works. Many women believe they should feel spontaneous horniness like you see in movies where you just want to rip each other’s clothes off and then cum within a few seconds.
But in reality? For many women and vulva owners, our desire can be much more context based, and experience more responsive desire. That means you might not feel turned on until you feel close, feel seen, you’re already touched, connected, or in a sensual environment.
Oh and if it’s 11pm and you’ve been wrestling an angry toddler to bed? Forget about it.
Remember that you’re not broken—you’ve just never been taught the truth about how your eroticism works.
12. You’re Not Enjoying the Sex You’re Having
It could be as simple that the reason you’re not desiring sex is because you’re not enjoying the sex that’s on offer. If it feels painful, performative, emotionally empty, or just going through the motions (with very little focus on your own pleasure), is it any surprise that you’re not desiring it?
Many women and vulva owners push through unwanted sex out of obligation– aka “duty sex”— which only trains your body to disconnect further. It could also be that your erotic blueprint isn’t being met– meaning that the way that you are wired to experience pleasure and eroticism doesn’t match what you’ve been told “sex” means.
Maybe you’re somebody who craves anticipation? You love the slow build up? A sensual atmosphere? Kinky power play? Impact play? Think about it, have you ever actually explored who you are as an erotic being OUTSIDE of your relationship?
Sexual pleasure is a learned skill— it takes practice, communication, and safety to cultivate. You deserve sex that feels good to you, not just your partner.
13. Illness, Chronic Pain, and Major Health Events
Whether you’re navigating chronic illness, recovering from surgery, managing pain, or facing a life-changing diagnosis like cancer, all of these experiences can create a deep disconnect from your body.
Your body is no longer a safe space, and unless you’ve lived through it yourself, not many people can understand the hypervigilance you live with in a body that feels like it’s betraying you.
I know this, I’ve lived it.
Fatigue, physical discomfort, changes in body image, and the big shift in your identity can all impact your ability to feel sexual. Conditions like endometriosis, fibromyalgia, PCOS, and autoimmune disorders can make intimacy feel overwhelming or even inaccessible at times.
But illness doesn’t erase your erotic self—it just asks you to meet your body differently. With gentleness, creativity, and patience, desire can be reawakened in new, authentic ways that honour exactly where you are and WHO you are right now.
14. Sexual, Pelvic, or Vulvar Pain
We know that women’s pain usually gets ignored or fobbed off by the medical system, and for any kind of pain around your vulva or vagina, even more so. Whether it’s vaginismus, vulvodynia, or dyspareunia– or pain caused by specific conditions such as Lichen Schlerosus or eczema, chronic yeast infections, pain after childbirth, or some sort of pain where your doctor can’t find an obvious cause for it and are just as baffled as you are.
When your vulva/vagina hurts, OF COURSE it’s not going to be a place of exquisite pleasure, is it? Which can mean that inevitable, your desire for and enjoyment of sex can go out of the window.
Listen to this podcast episode with April Maria about painful sex and endometriosis here.
15. Body Image Shame + Cultural Pressure
Diet culture never really went away, it just rebranded. As a millennial survivor of the dreaded ring of shame in celebrity gossip mags, it makes me furious that now it exists as #SkinnyTok and #Thinspo. Incessantly trying to sell us on the idea to keep shrinking and starving ourselves.
I won’t sugarcoat it, we still live in a world that tells us that our worth is tied to being young, thin, smooth, and effortlessly sexy. Of course you’re going to feel the tension and like you’ll never measure up. There’s a multi-billion dollar industry designed to make you feel that way!
If you’re caught up in self-criticism or feeling incredibly self conscious about how you look, of course it’s hard to access desire or feel sexy! Anxiety can flatten your libido faster than my cat will swipe me if I pet her wrong.
The thing is, desire has very little to do with how you look—and everything to do with how connected you feel to yourself.
One of the easiest ways to shut out that negative self-talk (even if it’s impossible to completely escape it) is to intentionally unfollow any social media accounts that show very skinny bodies and deliberately follow bigger bodies and other body types.
Want even more reasons? Read my blog post on 21 reasons why you may have lost your libido.
My guess is if you’re on this page, you probably resonate with more than 1 of these points.
All is not lost!
Could you be asexual?
You might have heard of asexuality and wondered in all of your searching if you too could be asexual. Asexuality and also Demisexuality are real sexual orientations and they are valid.
If you want more information about it, head to the AVEN website.
I can never make that call for you and only you will know. If you’re unsure, a handy rule of thumb is to ask yourself if you genuinely want to want sex? To feel horny? To feel aroused? Or is it something you feel you should feel in order to keep your partner happy? Also think about when you were younger. Did you ever feel an interest in sex, intimacy, pleasure, kissing, and more? Or was it something that never interested you or even felt a bit repulsive?
Your answer could be something in between– there could be some things you really love the sound of and others you don’t. It could be that you are much more wired towards sensuality and sensations, or maybe you’re energetically sensitive, or you get turned on more by power play.
This is why I love the concept of the Erotic Blueprints by a sex educator called Jaiya.
Is it scientifically backed and evidence-based? Fuck no. But not everything in life– especially the intangible aspects of what turns people on– can be backed by studies. You could have more of a Sensual or Energetic Blueprint, and it could be that you’ve just never explored them.
Remember that human sexuality is infinite. The ways in which we experience turn on, pleasure, and connection are so much more than the tiny little box we’ve been told counts as “real” sex– and especially so for women and vulva owners where our desire can often work differently.
Also remember that our sexuality is fluid and it can change over time. Sometimes using a label and identity can be a way of validating your experience and finding community so you feel less alone. Other times it can be a tiny box that stifles your growth and full expression. You get to decide what you need.
One really helpful guide to explore what your orientation is (and it’s by no means the only one or is it 100% descriptive of the full human experience) is the Purple Red Scale.
Stress, Burnout, and Low Sex Drive in Women
This needs a paragraph all by itself even though I address it later, because stress and burnout are often the most underestimated libido killers, and yet they play a massive role in female sexual desire. Many women don’t factor it in—because stress has become so normalized, we often don’t realize how much it’s draining our erotic energy.
I’m not just talking about work stress, the stress of being a parent, stress about money, relationship stress, or the stress of seeing horrific things happening around the world 24/7 on our phones.
I’m also talking about the stress that comes from patterns of overworking, overgiving, and overfunctioning—especially in caregiving roles—leave little room in your life for rest and play, let alone desire. We know that the mental load is still a thing, we also know that even today, it’s women in heterosexual relationships that do the majority of childcare and mentally managing the household. Not to mention if your parents need care, it’s usually daughters who are expected to pick up the slack over sons.
Many people underestimate how often they’re living in survival mode, meaning there’s no spaciousness to feel curious, playful, or sensual. Also factor in our conditioning as women, where we’re conditioned to be the caretakers, suppress our wants and needs, to not ask for help, and to feel guilty for resting. This is compounded by capitalist extraction culture, which glorifies productivity and burnout.
But desire doesn’t thrive under pressure. It grows in slowness, safety, and pleasure. If you’re exhausted, disconnected, or just numb—it’s not a libido issue, it’s a nervous system one.
Listen my interview with Tamu Thomas on being a Type A Woman In Life, Business, and Sex here.
Read more in my FrolicMe article on why rest is your secret libido booster here.
Read my blog post on why being a perfectionist flattens your libido and sexual confidence.
Do natural libido boosters work?
Maybe in your search to try and boost your libido, you’ve looked at different supplements, herbs, foods, or tips and tricks.
Some really common more “natural” libido boosters that I’ve seen are:
- Herbs or supplements like maca, ginseng, or ginkgo biloba
- Various aphrodisiac foods like oysters, spinach, or chillis
- Supplements companies or influencers with specific “libido boosting blends”
- Adaptagenic mushrooms
- Acupuncture
- Yoga
But… do they work?
I’m not a herbalist or nutritionist, and wouldn’t want to shit on somebody else’s professional experience buuuuuut… in my experience as a sexologist working with women, not so much.
In my opinion, it’s like asking if drinking chamomile tea and lavender on your pillow will help you with insomnia.
Sure, they can definitely help some people. I think anything that helps with your blood flow to your genitals and overall health and vitality is a great thing. And babe, if you took something, it helped, and isn’t harming you, by all means keep taking it.
The issue is that they do not work for everyone and you aren’t tackling the root causes. It’s like taking only Vitamin D for severe depression without doing anything else like therapy, trauma work, examining your relationships, movement, your diet, possible meds, and so much more.
If you’re burned out, are carrying lingering sexual shame, have patterns of overgiving and not feeling worthy of pleasure, have past sexual trauma, not enjoying the sex you’re having, not getting enough daylight, and feel more like your partner’s mother than their lover, don’t generally feel sexy, menopause has created a hormonal shitstorm…
Adding some disgusting powder to your smoothie or taking some drops under your tongue won’t do Jack Shit. (I grew up in London in the 00s, this is still one of my favourite phrases.)
I want to stay straight off the bat that there is no guarantee any of it will work because your libido/desire for sex/lust for life is a whole body, whole life, whole person experience.
How to actually reignite your libido naturally: Start here
Now you’ve got to the good part, the important part, the part you’ve been searching for. I hope the wait was worth it.
Before I start though, I want to ask you a question. This question might be the only thing you take from this post, so get your journal out if you wish.
DO YOU ACTUALLY ENJOY THE SEX YOU’RE HAVING?
Do you look forward to it? Does it tick all the boxes most of the time? Does it leave you breathless? Does it feed you? Does it nourish you? Do you feel generally satisfied? In the words of a wise woman I used to know– does it make your toes curl?
Or does it feel like… meh? A box ticking exercise? Something to get out of the way so your partner stops being pissy? Something to do so you don’t feel like a total failure? Where you feel more like a mother offering up your body as a means of comfort? Something else you have to give give give? Over in a few minutes where you barely get started?
If your answer was “no”, then is it any surprise that you don’t desire it in the first place?
I used to think I hated ravioli because all my life, I’d only ever had the cheap tinned kind. You know– soggy, watery tomato sauce, a weird metallic aftertaste. I never understood why some people love it (including my husband!)
That was until one day I went to an Italian restaurant and had it made fresh. It had seabass, fresh mozzarella, herbs, and god knows what else I can’t remember apart from the taste. I’m not exaggerating when I say I probably came in my own mouth.
It turns out I never hated ravioli, I hated shit and low quality ravioli. (Shoutout to Dr. Laurie Mintz for reminding me of this metaphor.)
Do you still feel like there’s something wrong with your sex drive now?
What reignites a low libido and rekindles your sexual desire: 12 Ways to Start
Here are 12 suggestions for you to dip your toes in. Does it look like all too much? Imagine you’re in an ice cream parlour (because Vienna has the most ice cream parlours per capita in all of Europe, you know) and choose what flavour looks the most appetizing to you.
1. Review your medication– particularly SSRIs, SNRIs, and hormonal contraception
Let’s start with the low hanging fruit if you’re taking meds.
If you’ve noticed that your libido has dropped since being on meds, it might be a wise idea to request a medication review with your doctor or primary care provider. If you are taking antidepressant medication, do not, I repeat NOT immediately stop taking your meds without talking to your doctor and either working out a safe tapering plan or switching to an alternative.
As a veteran of taking antidepressants for many years myself, the withdrawal is fucking brutal and you could risk endangering your mental health. Be a responsible adult– which I am trusting that if you’re on this page, you are– and take care of your precious bodymind by being wise about coming off, tapering off, or switching medications.
If you feel it’s because of your contraception, either request a review with your GP or gynecologist OR if you just know they won’t listen to you and try to fob you off, book a private GP consultant with one of the amazing GPs through The Lowdown here.
2. Cover your health foundations: Rest, nutrition, hydration, movement, sunlight
I mean it. It might sound glib and UNsexy, but be honest with yourself: are you living on fumes? Trying to do yet another health cleanse, living off coffee, not getting enough sleep, either punishing yourself at the gym or bedrotting?
When our bodies’ health foundations aren’t met– meaning we aren’t eating enough, we aren’t eating regularly, we aren’t getting enough nutrients, we’re not drinking enough water, not getting daylight, not getting enough sleep, not getting enough rest and play, and not getting enough movement (note I say “movement” not “forcing yourself through a HIIT workout to burn off calories”)– our bodies by default go into survival mode.
And when our bodies are in survival mode, it means we are under stress. Think of it as a baseline of stress that is underneath all your other life stressors. It means you are already depleted before you’re dealing with everything else.
You’re surprised your libido has gone?
The best thing, is these things are relatively easy to implement and you don’t need to go to extremes. Think of it as giving your precious body the love and care it deserves.
3. Know how your desire works
The thing about desire is that it’s something that you have agency over and can deliberately cultivate. I love to quote Esther Perel from a conference I attended a few years ago where she asks clients to complete the sentence, “I turn myself on when…” and “I turn myself off when…” I know that dancing, shaking my arse, and using my creativity makes me feel full of erotic energy. I also know that I get turned on by regularly looking at erotic and explicit material– be it art, erotica, or visual porn.
What about you?
It doesn’t have to be complicated because I’ll bet you already know deep down what fires you up and what shuts you down, along with the things you’re super curious about trying but didn’t feel you had permission.
For many women and vulva owners, our desire can be much more responsive than spontaneous (although not always) and is very much dependent on the context.
Meaning how we feel, emotional connection, energy levels, and also the anticipation. I’ll explain more about responsive vs spontaneous desire further down, but the point is to start getting more familiar with how YOU work as an erotic being.
4. Make pleasure your lifestyle
What comes up when you hear the word pleasure? Does it feel like pressure or permission? Because so often we overcouple the concept of pleasure with SEX SEX SEXXY SEX PRESSURE TO PERFORM! When in reality, pleasure is so much bigger than sex and most of us don’t get enough of it.
NON sexual pleasure is the first place I usually start with clients. I get them to pay attention to everything that feels good, and then do more of it. When we cultivate pleasure as a lifestyle– from savouring that cup of tea, savouring the cool breeze, wearing scents you adore, or spending longer to enjoy the sunset– we are training ourselves to view all kinds of pleasure as safe.
It’s also one of the easiest ways to take ourselves out of chronic stress, and it usually doesn’t have to take anything really fancy.
When you’ve spent so long trying to force yourself to feel sexual, learning to focus on pleasure and everything that feels good WITHOUT any pressure to take it further could be an antidote.
Listen to my podcast episode about why you’re missing pleasure with your low libido here.
Listen to my podcast episode about how to reignite your pleasure when you feel shut down.
5. Take the pressure off
Pleasure, desire, libido, orgasms, the whole lot do NOT flourish under pressure.
Whether that’s pressure from your partner– or even if it’s you thinking it– or most often, the pressure you’re putting on yourself. Think about it, what are you telling yourself about how you should be feeling? How much pressure do you put on yourself to cum, to have sex, to feel sexy, to feel anything?
What would it look like to completely take that pressure off? What would it take? What needs to happen?
Can you give yourself the respect and devotion to take all the time and tenderness you need?
Your body and your sexuality and gorgeous, desirable, divine things that deserve to be treasured and adored. It’s time you treated yourself that way.
You aren’t a performing monkey and neither is your libido.
6. Come home to your body
Think about your relationship with your body. Or DO you have a relationship with it/her/them in the first place?
Is your body a thing that you’re constantly fighting against– either trying to make thinner/smaller, get frustrated at, or feel betrayed by? (As a chronic illness girlie, believe me when I say I GET IT.)
You probably have parts of your body you either hate, or really struggle with. I haven’t worked with one woman/vulva owner who hasn’t had shit with their bodies, and I count myself in this too.
If you’re constantly self-conscious about your body and spending far too much time and energy trying to change it, it’s not going to be a place of pleasure.
In my view, embodiment isn’t a “nice to have” or weird woo woo concept that only breathy tantrik goddesses living in Bali can claim: It’s essential for life.
Because forming a relationship with your body where you become allies– or even primary lovers– is the foundation not just to more desire for sex, but being more of who you are.
One of my principles is that our bodies are incredibly wise organisms with far more wisdom than our conscious minds will ever truly understand. I believe our bodies are always talking to us, and if we can learn it’s language, it’s a path to coming home to our soul or true selves.
7. Connection and safety
Your sexual desire doesn’t exist in a vacuum—it usually needs a foundation of connection and safety first. For many women, that means feeling connected to both yourself and your body as well your partner.
If stress and feeling under threat shuts down your libido and pleasure, then cultivating a sense of safety is the solution.
Safety doesn’t just mean physical safety, but feeling more emotionally safe, feeling safer within your body, safe within your sexual expression, and more connected to your partner.
It’s about trust, feeling respected, feeling heard, and being able to relax into your body. It’s about knowing you won’t be judged, rushed, or pressured into something you don’t want.
Whether you’re healing from past experiences, navigating body changes, or just trying to find your way back to intimacy with each other, cultivating safety—on all levels—isn’t a luxury. It’s the soil where pleasure grows.
8. Explore your erotic imagination
Is it that you don’t have fantasies… or is it that you’ve told yourself that what turns you on “doesn’t count”, or it’s too dirty, too nasty, too “low vibration” according to some spiritual teachers? Or maybe you’ve never allowed yourself to step over the threshold into the world of sexy fantasies because of fear?
I’m willing to bet a lot of things I own that you actually have a lot of things that turn you on, if you give yourself permission to finally explore out of the box. It’s why I’m such a big advocate of erotica, smut, and porn– be it written, audio, or video.
They give you the permission and ideas to do what women and those socialized as female have historically never been allowed to do: explore your own sexuality on your own terms.
Maybe you’re somebody who gets off by just imagining the anticipation? Or you deeply crave to be slowly seduced? Or you want to be touched all over and kissed while you tremble?
Listen to my podcast interview with Anna Richards, the founder of female-focused porn company, FrolicMe, on why porn can be a “chemical-free libido booster”.
Listen to my podcast interview with Artemisia DeVine on the hidden genius of your sexual fantasies.
Check out my free guide to feminist and ethical porn and erotica– including apps, production companies, platforms, and educational platforms.
9. Know your erotic anatomy
Most of us were taught reproductive anatomy in school—ovaries, uterus, and how you get pregnant—but almost no one taught us about pleasure anatomy. Probably not even your gynecologist— and I know for a fact most gynecologists are clueless when it comes to pleasure anatomy too, apart from the clitoris.
That means many women and vulva owners go through life without ever accessing their full arousal potential. You might never have experienced full-body arousal simply because no one showed you what’s possible, or you gave yourself enough time and the right stimulation.
Does it shock you to know that women and vulva owners actually have just as much erectile tissue as men and penis owners? It’s just mostly internal and not as visible when we are aroused.
The clitoris isn’t just the tiny button you can see; it’s a whole organ (only fully mapped in 1999, by the way) with a vast network of nerve endings that stretch all the way into the pelvic bowl. Not to mention the paraurethral glands, clitoral-urethral-vaginal complex, and the various glands that secrete fluid.
Yet for most women, what you’ve felt so far is only the tip of the iceberg. So is it that you have low libido, or you’ve never fully experienced your full pleasure potential?
If you want to learn more, check out this classic book: Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston.
10. Masturbation is absolutely essential for women's sexual health
Despite what you may think, masturbation AKA self pleasuring AKA self loving— pick what term you love best— isn’t “second best” to partner sex, and it is absolutely NOT cheating or taking anything away from your relationship. In fact, research has consistently shown that women and vulva owners who self-pleasure regularly and associate it with empowerment and satisfaction report better sexual functioning. (Meaning, they have much better sex, enjoy it, and have more pleasure!)
Look here, here, here, and here for just a few examples.
That’s not all: solo pleasuring releases mood enhancing hormones like dopamine and oxytocin, helps relieve stress, helps you sleep, helps retain pelvic floor function, helps retain vaginal tone during menopause… What’s not to love?
But the most important in my opinion? Self pleasuring helps you to know exactly what you like and how you like it, on your own terms without the pressure to perform or cum quickly. It’s one of the most reliable ways to keep your erotic fire going when it feels like it’s barely sparking.
Oh, and it’s free.
Listen to my podcast episode on why women in relationships need to masturbate more.
11. Wake Up Your Sexual Energy
Maybe this feels a bit woo woo for you, or maybe you love the woo. You do you, babe.
The point is, some spiritual traditions like tantra, taoism, and sacred sexuality practices talk about sexual energy as a unique energy in and of itself. In fact, it’s your life force energy. And like any energy, it needs to be cultivated.
There are so many delicious exercises from neo-tantra and taoism that you can play with to explore your sexual energy. Many of these I teach. Or think about what activities raise your own sexual energy. Rule of thumb: think anything that gets your creativity going, gets you moving, or makes you feel sexy, sensual, or pleasured.
Whether it’s dancing, wearing sensual clothes, making art, looking at art, taking up a sensual movement practice, self-pleasuring, or looking at erotica.
Think about ONE thing that raises your sexual energy, then do more of it.
12. Give yourself permission
This last point sounds deceptively simple, and yet I think is the most important: Permission.
Giving yourself permission to be sexual. Permission to take all the time you need. Permission to have the fantasies and unique turn ons you have. Permission to not always feel sexual. Permission to say “no”. Permission to say “YESSS”. Permission to enjoy. Permission to slow down. Permission to want what you want. Permission to want in the first place. Permission to not be so “good”. Permission to enjoy. Permission to live a life of pleasure.
You want a permission slip? Take it. (As long as it’s legal and doesn’t harm anyone. I trust you to use your common sense here.)
Listen to my podcast episode of you deserve pleasure pep talk.
Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire
One of the biggest lightbulb moments for many women is learning about responsive desire— because you realize there’s nothing wrong with you after all.
If you’ve ever thought you’re broken because you don’t naturally crave sex out of nowhere or only enjoy it once you’re already mid shag, you might actually have responsive desire.
But here’s the truth: spontaneous desire (AKA: Out of nowhere— HORNY) tends to be more common in men and penis owners, while more women and vulva owners tend to experience responsive desire. It’s not set in stone: many men also experience responsive desire, and your desire style can change too.
Just knowing this can take so much pressure off. You’re not dysfunctional; your body just works differently.
And it’s not either/or—your desire is like a smorgasbord. Some days you may feel spontaneous, other days responsive, or somewhere in between.
Your menstrual cycle, stress levels, relationship dynamics, and even sleep can all affect how desire shows up.
There is no “normal”—only what’s true for you in the moment.
Libido after having a baby
From the moment you find out you’re pregnant, to battling the first trimester symptoms, and then watching your body completely change as you grow a new life— pregnancy is an initiation like no other.
Whether you had an easy birth or a really awful one, your body is permanently changed, not to mention your whole life.
This means you’ll also need to rethink how you approach intimacy and pleasure, because you’re not the same person anymore. It might mean you need to be much more intentional about stoking your erotic fire— carving out time to self-pleasure, to buy new lingerie, pleasure practices, and time with your partner. You won’t be able to rely as much on feeling spontaneously horny anymore, and this is completely normal. So it’s time to adapt.
You may also find that how you experience desire and arousal are different, and this is all completely normal.
Only once you’re out of the newborn trenches is the time to even think about exploring sexuality again. Take all the time you need, and take the time to reclaim your own body again.
Ready to get your libido and desire back? New Masterclass for you
Class for women and vulva owners with low libido + how to revive your desire
It’s online and on-demand, watch it whenever you want, as many times as you want.
What I hope you'll get from it:
A deep knowing that you’re not broken and your libido isn’t gone.
Clarity on what libido really is (and isn’t).
A mindset shift: sex is something you OWN, not something you OWE.
Insight into the hidden blocks draining your desire.
Doable, practical steps to start reconnecting with your pleasure today, or tomorrow.
Hope and confidence that your erotic aliveness is more accessible than you realized.
Inside, you'll receive:
A Pre-recorded 70-minute teaching session: By moi, expert, compassionate, and full of actionable insights. Things that actually make sense and things you can DO.
📝 A Fillable workbook: Guided prompts and exercises to help you integrate what you learn.
🎧 Meditation: Connect to Your Authentic Erotic Self: Drop into your body, release shame, and awaken your inner spark.
Yours to keep forever for €39
Want more bespoke support?
I can help you. Working with me, we first get to the root of what’s blocking your libido, and then create an action plan to start waking her up again.
You will almost certainly find that it’s much easier than you think, that you’re already experiencing a lot of pleasure, and you end up becoming more of who you really are.
WITHOUT performing, pretending, faking it, or putting up with sex you’re not into.
Let’s work together.
Want a taste of the work?
Download your free guided practice to move out of numbness and into feeling pleasure.
FAQ Section
Oh love, I want to say YES and YES but with a giant caveat: When shit hits the fan and something is causing you a lot of pain— and because you’re on this page I’m guessing that pain is your low libido— you will be frantically searching for answers and if what you’re going through is “normal”.
I will say absolutely that having a low libido is incredibly COMMON.
Hence why it has it’s own diagnosis in the DSM.
Hence why for decades, pharmaceutical companies have tried to find a female version of Viagra. Because if they ever do and it works to the same success rate as Ozempic for weight loss, mate, that is going to be worth a LOT of money!
But just because something is common, it doesn’t mean that it’s ok and you just resign yourself to a sexless life if that’s not what you want.
I will affirm again and again how normal you are. (If you like that description.) I will bet most of the tea I own that what you’re experiencing isn’t only exceedingly common, but almost certainly has a very logical explanation to it.
You’re fine, babe, You’re a wonderful divine gorgeous and ridiculously sexy spark of human deliciousness.
Refuse to let your mean brain tell you otherwise.
There are a few tells: if you notice a distinct difference in your sex drive in different points in your menstrual cycle, before or after a different hormonal contraception, or if you feel like it’s night and day when you started perimenopause. Basically, have you noticed a significant change due to hormonal changes? HOWEVER— I will always caveat that as humans, we are more than just our biology. There will almost certainly be emotional, relationship, lifestyle, and upbringing elements too. Think both/and. Often what happens with big hormonal changes— like pregnancy, postpartum, menstrual cycle, or menopause— it will amplify what you might have been able to override or get away with before.
I want to say absolutely YES, but with some caveats.
When you become a mother, it’s not just a whole life change, but a shift in your identity, your body is different, and your whole centre of gravity changes.
Not to mention all the hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, no time or personal space etc.
You may find that you have to be much more intentional about your sexuality and intimate life, and embrace being in a different body that responds differently.
You may need to spend time getting to know this new identity— the shift from the archetype of maiden to mother— if that resonates with you.
Depending how many weeks you are postpartum, please DON’T put any pressure on yourself to get back in the sack. The 6 week rule set by doctors is highly arbitrary, and your body may not be ready. Trust yourself and your body.
I also highly recommend consulting a pelvic floor physiotherapist if there’s any pain too, because just doing a few kegels isn’t enough.
Easy answer: Absolutely. With cherry shaped nipple tassels on top. Many women and vulva owners report the menopause as like a second spring, where they get surges of white hot lust. For others, not so much.
While the hormonal changes might be wreaking absolute hell on your body and I highly recommend getting medical and holistic support for that, remember that it’s not just hormonal.
It could be that the menopause has now stripped away all your previous coping, masking, and over functioning mechanisms where you were holding everything together. Maybe even your marriage. Now that you can’t do that anymore, what’s left?
What if you took this big life change as the initiation that it is? Committed to unlearning ageist and body shaming narratives? Decided to finally put your needs and wants first? Decided to live more outrageously with less fucks? The world is your oyster.
I can never make any guarantees, but I will say just by the act of you WANTING to want again— you’re already half of the way there.
One thing my clients regularly find is that what felt completely overwhelming, too big, too scary, or just too much was actually much more doable than they ever realized.
I will bet many things that not only are there very logical reasons why you feel this way (FOR NOW) but it’s completely fixable and workable.
It might take an attitude shift, it might take exploring your identity, it might take being brave to try what you’ve always wanted to try but felt too taboo.
Whether you want to remain a nun for the rest of your life is entirely in your hands.
Sorry babe, but no. I never make guarantees about results because you are a unique human on your own path. What I can guarantee is you will have more tools and understanding about where you are, and how to work with yourself. You may just discover something about yourself you’ve tried to ignore or felt too afraid to explore.
Lucy Rowett, CSC – Pronouns: She/Her/Her